Tiny Surfers: Internetiquette for Kids and Parents

'Mummy, can I please be on Instagram?' If this had been a scene from a sit com, I would have spat a mouthful of tea across the kitchen at this point. My 7 year old wants to be on Instagram? Wait, my 7 year old has heard of Instagram and wants to post pictures? WHAT? Why? How?

It is truly astonishing how much kids pick up about things they don't actually use or have direct contact with. We must refer to things all the time, like our Facebook status, or sending email, that we don't really register as being taken in by little ears.

My friend got an iPad the other day and by the time she got to it in the evening, her 7 year old son had downloaded all her apps from her iTunes account, except for Facebook, '... cause I wasn't sure what your email address was...' 

We got both boys fairly cheap tablets that Andy picked up in Malaysia when he was there for work. Matthew took his and got started with some of the games that Andrew had preloaded. But within minutes he turned to me: 'Can I send messages to Jack on this?' And then: 'Can I have a password so no one else can go on this?' That would be a big fat NO to both of those questions! But we were surprised that he thought to ask them...

There is also a PlayStation in the living room and I was taken aback to come in and see Adam, 5, playing a match with 'some guy.' Um, pardon? Who? How? My solution to that one was to just turn the bloody thing off and to alter the access settings. Thankfully Adam was pretty freaked out by this and won't be trying this again - mainly cause the guy was thrashing him in their FIFA match...

Although we knew of course that we had to work hard to stay ahead of the kids in terms of technology, we had thought we would have a bit more of a cushion before they were snapping at our heels. And this is from a pretty IT savvy family. Andy works full time in IT and I am not frightened of it myself. But I have already had to hand my phone over to Matthew, when he was 6, so that he could find a particular app that I couldn't. And the boys discovered how to get onto YouTube through the PlayStation before I even knew that was any kind of an option.

We are helping out at a Parenting Course at the moment and the bulk of the course is dvd presentations from a great couple who are full of practical, realistic, loving and helpful advice. Last week's session was all about boundaries and they touched on the area of screen time and added the usual advice around kids' security on computers: keep the family computer in a central area in the home and then you can monitor what the kids are doing online. However, that is really quite outdated as advice goes as things have changed so rapidly in this arena. Now it is a matter of everyone being on their own devices, or perhaps multiple devices at the one time.


So, what's the best advice for a family with young kids? Here are the 4 main things I think it's worth taking into account:

1. Screen Time: limit this! Establish a culture whereby your kids ask you before they use technology and know that they have a certain time per day to play on screens. See also: http://sarahkeene.blogspot.ie/2013/07/screen-sanity.html

2. Have the conversation with your kids about the internet. In the same way we all find the right time and words to discuss Stranger Danger, the topic needs to be extended to the web. 'Never give your real name on websites', 'How to make a good password' etc. And set up the conversation to prepare them for the day when they come across something that you'd rather they not find online. Cause they will. Realistically, you can't stop that from happening - but you can influence what they choose to do next. 

3. Media Stacking is the snazzy term used for using more than one device at a time: watching Netflix while playing on a tablet and texting too. There is some thought that kids using technology in this way are losing the ability to focus on one thing at a time and that this is affecting the attention they can really give to films, books or other activities. I am not sure what I think of this, but it's an interesting idea and worth keeping an eye on.

4. Look at the devices that they use. There are actually a lot of settings on tablets and games consoles that implement security. Alright, today's kids will probably be able to circumvent these by the time they are 8 and  a half, but it's worth trying! And there are also a lot of great apps out there for parental controls. The best one I have found is Norton Family Security. It's great - you can tailor each child's access as you register them with this service. There is a free element to this, and then you can choose to pay as you need more detailed and specific requirements. It's well worth a look and fairly easy to set up. https://onlinefamily.norton.com/familysafety/nofToGo.fs The main thing I like about it, is that its number 1 recommendation for parents is that they have an open and evolving conversation with their kids about their online activities, thus bringing us neatly back to points 1 and 2.

It can feel very overwhelming, especially if you aren't at all techy. And very quickly terms like cyber bullying start to get chucked about, which can escalate fear and panic around this whole issue. I firmly believe that starting this conversation with your young children, who probably already know more than you realise they do, will give you a better chance of protecting them as they get older. I am not naive enough to think that my boys won't find porn or get silly or abusive messages from their friends as they get older. But I can give them a decent foundation in internetiquette, and hope this will help them negotiate this whole minefield, which is only going to grow in their lifetime.


One key message to take from this:  have the conversation with your kids, about safety, about screen time and keep this conversation open and developing as they get older. But, also, make friends with a tame geek and give them cake and beer at regular intervals so they can help you with this. I took this to the next level and married one. Now you know why I bake so often...

Rush Hour

A typical morning last summer term:
Me: 'Please go upstairs, get your uniform on, get your shoes on and brush your teeth.'

Fifteen minutes later:
Me: 'Why are you still in your pyjamas?'
Child: 'I forgot to get dressed...' (This is an actual quote...)
Me: 'Come on now, you need to hurry!' (still calm and pleasant here, perhaps slightly impatient)

Ten minutes later:
Me: 'Please put the book down - why are you only wearing pants?' (in mildly hysterical tones at this stage...)
Child: 'Sorry, I just NEEDED to finish the chapter...'

Ten minutes later:
Me: 'Where are your shoes? Have you brushed your teeth?'
Child: 'Oh, I forgot.'
Me: 'Back upstairs please, (through gritted teeth) we are running out of time.'

Five minutes later
Me: 'Right, let's go... WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANY SHOES ON?' (way past hysteria now, straight to rage...)

Please tell me this is not just in my house! Some mornings I really despaired!  I absolutely hated the way this turned me into a nagging, shouty, miserable whinge, rather then the modern, relaxed parent I actually am. (ahem.) It nearly felt like the child wouldn't have remembered to breathe unless I reminded him, never mind get dressed and ready for school in any way independently. And it's not like each day was different - he had to get dressed and ready for school every day, yet every day this seemed to be something he forgot about unless he was reminded. By me. Often.

Two weeks ago, the second child started school and I realised that I was going to lose my mind completely if I didn't put something in place to encourage a bit of self starting on the kids' part. 

Now I am definitely a chart parent - there have always been charts in this house: sticker charts, reward charts and screen time charts.  I absolutely love making them and am a very list/chart sort of person in organising my activities anyway, so it's natural enough to apply this to parenting. 

Cue this latest chart:

It's pretty simple - each boy has 5 things to do, based on what they would struggle to remember or get done independently. They tick things off as they complete the tasks. Each tick corresponds to 5 minutes game time earned. So their guaranteed screen time has now been reduced and the remainder can only be earned by readiness and 'getting on with it'ness on school mornings. 

The ultimate threat that accompanies this is that I have said if they are not ready when it is time to leave, I will quite happily take them to school in their pyjamas. This is not a threat I expect to have to implement, but a tiny part of me kind of wants to - just to see their face.  (I know,  (sigh,)  my Mother of the Year certificate is probably already in the post...)

Research has shown that parents often assume that kids will grasp what is obvious to them: these things need to be done for us to get out on time, everyone knows this - it makes perfect sense. But does it to everyone in the household? What seems like a natural sequence of events to us adults, can in fact be a jumble of confusing signals for them. We get frustrated when they don't cop on and the mornings descend into arguments, frustration and rushing.  Parents need to recognise what they can do to make things move more smoothly - what can be set out the night before? How much time does everyone need, realistically? But also, how realistic are the expectations we have of our kids? And do they really know what has to happen and when? Or why?

One article I read on this issue gave the example of a dad who broke his daughter's morning list of activities down into 22 items listed on a spreadsheet. If I gave my sons a 22 point list of things to achieve between 7:30 and 8:45, I think they would take one look and just head back to bed.  So would I! But the principle of my wee chart is the same: make sure these 5 things are done! And you will be rewarded. And the chart is tailored to things that each boy will struggle to do easily, of their own accord. 

And here's the thing - so far, this is working brilliantly.  All I have to say is: 'please check your list and do what it says.' I may have to say this a few times, but it is better than having to mentally get everyone dressed and ready, every step of the way... It is making for much more relaxed and easy school mornings. Long may this last...

Now if only I could make a chart for myself - 5 minutes solitary reading for every shirt ironed or lunchbox filled? 

Screen Sanity

After a few days on our holiday in France, Adam came to me looking sad. 'I miss our house in Ireland...' Before I had a chance to feel kind of touched by his sweetness, he followed this up with: '...because I want to play FIFA on the Wii.' Right. There we were in a beautiful campsite, on a gorgeous sunny day, about to set off for a day at a stunning lake, and he wanted to play fake, indoor, computerised football.

Both boys now have the requisite level of dexterity needed for quite a few computer games and love playing FIFA or bowling on the Wii. They also constantly demand time on the iPad or on our phones to play Angry Birds, Minecraft or a random succession of racing games. 
On a busy day, when I am tired or when I am trying to get something done, it is very easy to just say yes, and guarantee myself some peace as they are quite self sufficient when playing these. The house goes quiet apart from the electronic beeping and chirping. It's bliss! And then you realise that they have been quiet for over an hour and that they have been slumped over the iPad firing birds at pigs or gaining a completely false idea of their bowling prowess by getting strike after strike by accurately flicking their wrists. If they then have a bit of tv time as well, and you then add up all the time they have been looking at a screen, it can be fairly alarming.

Cue parental guilt and the inevitable overcompensating: nature walks and baking. Not that these aren't brilliant things to do. But the kids could also just play with their toys, read a book or use their imagination when building a fort. Some time ago I began to realise that my kids expected to be entertained, by something I had organised or by a screen: tv or otherwise.

On a parenting course we took last year, there was a section on how much screen time kids get. On the dvd, a range of experts spoke about this and expressed concern at how much tv kids were watching nowadays and discussed the amount of time that was considered acceptable.  Dr Aric Sigman had a lot to say about this; in fact if you google his name, quite a few articles on this topic come up. He stated that kids of a young age, like my two, should spend no more than an hour, and preferably less, watching tv. In fact, he said that children under 3, should not watch any tv.

One of the interesting things he explained, was the danger of a child coming to understand the world virtually, before they experienced it genuinely. It is much healthier for a child to have a new experience for themselves, such as going to the beach, or going to a birthday party, before they see a version of this in a cartoon.  Of course there are things they may only ever see on tv, like outer space or the Great Wall of China. But in terms of everyday life, it is much better for them to do things for themselves before they have a version of it in their minds that is fictionalised and probably American and will therefore not really correspond to their eventual experience. (I am extrapolating somewhat from Dr Sigman, as I apply this to my kids, at their ages and stages.)

In conjunction with this, he said that many kids were no longer left to their own devices, to just 'play', in the purest sense of the word. He states that it is very important for kids' imaginations that they are left, with no input from adults, and no organised activities, to just choose their own form of play and begin to make up their own fun.

This made a lot of sense to me when I heard it. Although, I don't know how realistic it is for kids under 3 to watch no tv. It certainly helped a great deal when I had a very young toddler and a newborn baby, that I could put on cbeebies and have a bit of space for ten minutes while the baby napped. However, I certainly agree with him that it is far too easy to ratchet up the screen time, especially when computer time is added to tv, and that kids generally spend too much time just gazing passively. And I know I can be overly concerned about the kids getting bored and organise too many play dates and activities to avoid this , giving them little time to just mooch and find their own fun. So, how to implement all of this?

Here's one thing that worked: I tried to get as late in the day as possible before we turned the tv on.  On a good day, this was after dinner.  But there were days when there was a sick child, or endless rain or a frazzled me, when this was just not feasible and a movie was the best option for general sanity and harmony.

Here's something that didn't work: having a general sense that the kids were best limited on computer time, but not really timing it throughout the day. The result: endless whining and grousing and Mummy being a policeman and constantly saying no and being seen as very mean and unfair. If the kids play this one right, they can actually get a lot of screen time, if they reach the whining tipping point where Mummy would agree to almost anything if they would just STOP WHINING. Cue more guilt. Not a happy house.

So, here's what we came up with to resolve this whole issue: 

This chart has been a real winner with everyone.  Here's how it works.  Each boy is allowed 45 minutes per day of screen time, which will entail computer, Wii, iPad, phone and even Matthew's little camera that has games on it. There is a further 45 minutes of tv time available; the bottom white line for each boy.  It is completely up to them how they spend this time, and 'spend' is the operative word.  As I had hoped, they treat the 45 minutes like credit and run it down. They plan how to use the time, and have been really positive towards this. There are little pictures of every available device and they all have velcro on their reverse, which is what the white time line of the chart is also made of. The boys play on whatever they choose, having planned before hand what they will do and for how long. The key tool here is the oven timer. 

Example: Adam decides he will play on the Wii - he knows he wants to play two matches on FIFA and decides to allocate 20 minutes to this.  The oven timer is set and play commences.  The oven beeps and he stops.  They have both been surprisingly good about stopping play when their time is up.  Having their sibling keep them in check is useful! They can of course play on, but in the knowledge that they are losing more time on the chart. Then they choose the correct picture, place it on the timeline and, job done.

It is generally working out that they are spending half an hour each on the Wii in the mornings, maybe 5 minutes on the iPad later and then choosing to save their remaining ten minutes for Daddy's phone, which has a cool new race car game.  They are really learning to plan their time and delay their gratification in this way and I have been impressed by how they have stuck to this and been completely accountable to it.

The tv one is easier to monitor as our home made system is not easy to use and they generally need me to turn the whole thing on for them. Incidentally, we have put in place a caveat with the 45 daily minutes allocated to tv and that is sports.  They are such enthusiastic sports watchers!  There are no glazed over eyes or couch potato positions when sports are on.  Both boys are generally commenting avidly throughout, asking endless questions, and often charging out to the hall or garden to recreate the goal, try or lap they have just seen. So we felt this was a different kind of viewing, and limiting it wasn't as necessary.


When they have used up their screen time, that is that. No negotiation.  The exceptions to this would be a hospital visit, travel or something similar. Then what? I am much more hands off now when suggesting what they do next.  They have started to drift off and play brilliantly with random toys, and I have overheard great race commentaries as Adam lines up his cars or been suddenly confronted with 'Mr Neymar', one of the boys in a cunning disguise, who has decided to visit us. If they do get bored, then there is always the 'I'm Bored Jar'.  I can't take credit for this, but you can read about it here: http://sarahkeene.blogspot.ie/search/label/%27I%27m%20Bored%27%20Jar

As for me, I am just so relieved not to be the bad cop all day long!  Everyone knows the limits and has full control over how they use them, so I am not having to say no any more - there is a visual cue in the hall, and no need to ask. The only thing I still check is that they are accurately placing the pictures on the chart and of course that the games they are playing are ones I am ok with. 

A bonus: they can also lose viewing or gaming time through bad behaviour. Warning them of this is generally very effective and will usually curtail whatever naughtiness is happening. 

One reason this is all working so well is that they are very young and we are still in control of the games they are choosing and the programmes they watch.  Of course as they get older, they will push against this, have their own laptops etc and this will have to be dealt with differently as they change, want to start using Social Media, having their own phones and so on. If I can help it, they will never have their own tvs; we will never have more than one tv in the house in fact. But of course this means less and less as viewing is increasingly done through Netflix, youtube etc. 

In the main however, I would like to think we are at least putting good practises in place and teaching them not to just be screen robots. It's a big issue for this new generation - they are surrounded by gadgets and see adults on them all the time. And here is the challenge for me - it's all very well making this fancy chart for them , but what am I modelling to them at the same time? This is an ongoing thought process and I will no doubt report back on it in due course...

Carrot Sticks. I mean Carrot or Stick.

Bribery as a parenting technique can be very useful and effective.  It may not be in many parenting manuals as the best way to get your kids to cooperate, but it definitely helps when out and about with grumpy kids: 'If you behave well in the supermarket, we'll see about buying a treat on the way to the checkout.'  Then you can curb imminent naughtiness in the supermarket on the way round by threatening to withhold the treat. Genius.

Until Adam that is. 

Here is a child who will not be bribed. 'If you don't finish your dinner, you won't get any ice-cream.' 'I don't want any ice cream.' Many kids would back down from this position when they saw their older brother tucking into a bowl of chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.  Not Adam. He will quite happily not finish his dinner, not have any ice cream and leave the table and go off and play.

My conclusion with him is that he would rather have the power than the bribe - he wants to be in charge of the situation.  He has a very strong personality! 

There is definitely a positive side to having a strong willed child - rather than a pushover.  Is it wildly optimistic of me to hope that this could have some positive repercussions? In his teenage years, I would like to imagine he would be less easily led and able to stand up for what he believes in rather than go along like a sheep. However, that doesn't necessarily help me now!

The latest scenario in which I had to battle Adam's strong will was that of swimming lessons.  He is in the so-called confidence class; where they just get the kids to splash about in the water in order to feel at ease with getting water in their faces etc. After a summer holiday in which both boys more or less lived in the swimming pool, we thought it was the perfect time for lessons, and indeed Matthew is flying along in his class.  Adam was fine for the first class and I was therefore completely unprepared for the hysterical crying that suddenly erupted as we walked to the learner pool for the second class.  He was really very very upset and very unwilling to even try.  He spent a bit of time in the pool, but I had to wait by the side for most of it, which I wasn't really supposed to do.  

During the week that followed, we took him swimming as a family where he had a great time splashing about with no fear or concern.  We also talked a lot about the lessons and tried to get to the bottom of what he didn't like.  But his responses were a bit inconsistent and bewildering.  So, I went for the bribery option: Moshi Monsters. (No, no idea either...) I also set up a playdate with a boy in the class whose Mum I recognised as a friend of a friend. (I more or less accosted her by text and she was gracious enough to invite us round to play with her son, which was really very nice of her.)

The day of the third class dawns and the first words out of Adam's mouth as he wakes are: 'I don't want to do swimming.' Sigh.  I was really dreading it!  I told him about the Moshi Monsters he would get: 'I don't want them!' And there was a huge amount of crying at the pool and he eventually got into the pool for the second half of the lesson, but refused to take part in the activities. So I gave him one of the Moshis in the pack as he had only been in for half the lesson...

In case I am sounding like a heartless Mum for insisting he got in the pool if he didn't want to: I knew he really wasn't afraid of the water, he said he liked his teacher and I was there the whole time.  And we have already paid for the term...  And I don't want to have a kid who learns that throwing a wobbler gets him out of things he doesn't want to do.  But if I really thought he was genuinely traumatised I would of course have changed my approach.

Ok, defense of me over.

Week 4. New bribe in bag: football cards, which are already being collected by both boys. 'I don't want them!' The crying started and the new development was the fighting - he wouldn't even stand up to walk to the pool and was really wrestling me.  This is all, of course, happening under the interested gaze of many other parents, presumably all thinking :'Thanks God that's not me!'

I decided a new approach was needed and I got down on his eye level and said, firmly: 'We are not going home until you have got in the pool.' I am not sure how my tone communicated this, but he absolutely knew that I meant it, and that I was finished pleading, bribing and cajoling. He got up, walked to the pool and got in and stayed in for the whole class.  

It was a real light bulb moment for me! I never used to understand why people talked about getting to know your baby or your child. Surely you decide what kind of a parent you are gong to be and they have to fit in with that?  Well, to a point... But it's also about understanding what makes them tick - what each individual child responds to.  My older boy will respond to the promise of treats or the withholding of same. It is clear that Adam will not and that he needs to be shown, unequivocally, who holds the power in a situation.  I don't mean that I have to learn how to bully him.  Just that I have to communicate to him that he is not in charge and I am and that he must do as I say, for no other reason than that I am the parent.  I am glad I figured this out when he was 4 and not 14 and I hope I am able to find that authoritative (not authoritarian) tone again - next time I need to.  We'll see how week 5 goes!

Attachment Parenting

I heard a radio piece about so-called Attachment Parenting the other day. Some key tenets of this increasingly popular style of parenting seem to be: co-sleeping, breast-feeding on demand (often up to a much higher age than the average), choosing not to follow a routine and often opting for home birth to kick the whole thing off. There's also a big thing about 'baby-wearing'. There are even baby-wearing coaches who will help you choose the right sling and avoid using a buggy at all.

One word that keeps coming up in reading further articles on this is: instinct.  The idea is that you use your instincts to work out what your child wants or needs, rather than using 'controlled crying', 'sleep routines' or even potty training. I guess it's a reaction to the Supernanny school of thought: the parent takes charge of behaviours by applying routines and clear boundaries. Endless programmes of out of control children changed seemingly overnight by charts and naughty steps - all very organised.

If I had to choose which style I use as a mother, it would be closer to the latter, I guess.  My natural tendency is to routine and lists for my own life, so it made sense to apply that to my parenting. What I object to  is the idea that Attachment Parenting is about instinct; implying that other parenting is not.  This is just untrue and to imply that one style has a monopoly on parental instinct is really quite outrageous.

I remember very clearly when my maternal instinct first kicked in.  Or, to be more accurate, when I first recognised it for what it was, and began to trust it. Matthew was about 3 months old and I was struggling to get him to settle for naps. He would cry and cry and I would cuddle him to try and console him, and eventually he would settle, but the whole thing was exhausting.. One day this just went on for ages and nothing I did would settle him. I suddenly knew, just KNEW with certainty, that he didn't want to be cuddled  that he wanted to be left alone, but needed something he could cuddle himself.  So I got him a small bear he had been given at birth and he settled immediately. It was like magic! (He is nearly six now and still sleeps with that bear every night.) 

From that day on I trusted my instinct. I knew with certainty when either boy was genuinely sick or just teething; or when they were ready for solid food; or when they were upset but not telling me. This still applies even outside of the baby phase. But this was alongside a routine of quite strict naptimes and mealtimes. I didn't follow round after the boys with a potty as some proponents of AP do.Nor did I breastfeed for very long at all.This does NOT mean I was not parenting instinctively and I object to the idea that I was somehow detached from my maternal instinct because I favour routine over some kind of organic, supposedly natural approach.

I personally can't think of much worse than co-sleeping or breastfeeding a 6 year old.  But if that's what you want to do, knock yourself out...  But don't even think about claiming superior maternal instincts! 

Pick Your Battles

Adam has requested spikey hair for the past week or so.  I am not sure why this suddenly occurred to him, and I am not quite sure how it looks really...  But I guess I don't see the harm. Yesterday I was flicking through some old facebook pictures and came across a picture of him in the bath where we had similarly punked him with shampoo through his hair about a year ago.  Someone had commented that I might regret this in about ten years when he swanned around as a teenager with a punk look.  Slouched around I suppose might be more accurate...

I was given a good deal of freedom as a teenager to wear what I wanted and have stupid hair.  I had it many different colours and memorably once cut all of it off, except for 2 long pieces in the front.  I was quite a hippy chick and wore Doc Martens with flowy tunics and chunky jewellery.  I know my Mum really found it frustrating to see me dress like this as she just couldn't see the attraction.  But she was sensible enough to let me get on with it and not to fall out over something that really didn't matter that much in the long run.  

So I feel quite relaxed about how the boys will choose to express themselves as teens. Of course that's easy to say now, at least 7 years out from the likely outcome of this.  I think I would far rather have teenage boys with silly clothes and loud music then boring boys who hung around doing nothing all day and had no opinions or views on anything. 

I don't see that it is all that important what colour someone's hair is if they are working hard at school and are watching the news and showing an interest in a few different things. I guess I would see it a as a release valve to cope with all the horrible changes and pressures that come with being an adolescent. And a relatively harmless one at that, with very few long term effects, unlike drug use or sleeping around.

Of course you can chuck this back at me in ten years when I am freaking out at the piercings and the purple hair...  But I honestly believe that teenagers given some freedom to express themselves, within the parameters of other clear expectations with regards to general behaviour, effort in school and sensible guidelines around alcohol etc will get a lot of their need to rebel and be 'different' out of their system in fairly harmless ways, rather than resorting to drugs and other behaviours that have longer term implications. Is this a naive view?  Were my parents lucky or wise?  I think they were wise!  But then  I turned out ok...

For now, my 3 year old can have spikey hair!  But he absolutely can not spit at his brother (the current lovely phase) and he must always say please and thank you.  .  Some very clear boundaries and plenty of freedom to be himself.  And Adam is availing himself of this freedom with typical enthusiasm, unlike his brother who actively does not want spiked hair.  I am expecting negative comments from some relatives as we visit different homes this weekend, if he wants his hair spiked. But I have chosen not to make this a battle, so we will just ride it out... I hope this dress rehearsal lesson sticks with both boys and pays off in due course!

Dilemma: neighbour vs parent

There's a boy in the neighbourhood who often calls to ask if my boys want to come out to play.  He is 4 years older than my oldest and from a family where there seem to be a lot less boundaries and rules.  In general, I am not that keen for my guys to play with him.  Because they are so much younger, they are led by him and will behave in ways I am not happy with, without really knowing any better.  This is, so far, nothing serious, I hasten to add.  Once I caught them hiding in someone's front garden, which I have told them not to.  And I know they become a bit more careless about running across the road.  Previously, I have caught him out in lies, he eats all ind of junk food at random times it seems and I know that his language is not what I am ready to hear from my two yet.

So, it seems like a no brainer to say 'stay away from this boy' to Matthew and Adam.

But then it occurred to me that there is another side to this. This boy is often wandering around on his own, clearly not very supervised and rarely taken anywhere.  Admittedly I don't know that as a concrete fact, but I have never seen him in the local playground or really anywhere except hanging around.  Would he benefit from time spent in our house? So far I have resisted inviting him in... 

My responsibility is to my boys of course, but I am also going to be living in the same road as this boy when he is a teenager and a young adult. It strikes me as prudent to remain on good terms with him, even if I don't really have much of an influence at all on him. But is this being kind of irresponsible towards my boys? 

What's the best thing to do? What's the right thing to do?