The Dishwasher That Didn't Get Fixed

Our dishwasher broke in June. It didn't exactly break - it seems to work fine. It's just that it fuses everything else in the house while it's on. So, we stopped using it. We discussed replacing it or getting it fixed and meanwhile I bought a drying rack for the dishes.

Here we are 7 months later and it is still out of order. But now we are not thinking of replacing it. I actually don't mind washing up at all! It's pretty great to open the kitchen cupboards and find plates and dishes that are where they should be, ready to be used. It was kind of a novel concept for a while and now I am used to it. I don't mind the time spent washing up, it's kind of peaceful, with music on. I will also admit to a bit of Netflix with my laptop perched where I can see it, at minimum safe splash distance. 

I remember getting our very first dishwasher as a kid. It felt like the absolute height of luxury. We had the reached the pinnacle of civilisation and nothing would ever top this! Then as a young married couple we bought a half sized one with some redundancy money Andy got, after he got a new job, I hasten to add. When the boys were babies our full sized dishwasher seemed permanently full of bottles and small fiddly bowls and tiny spoons. And, of course, in true marital rows cliche, according to Andrew, I am hopeless at stacking the dishwasher. He approaches it with a Tetris mindset, whereas I just want the stuff off the kitchen counter and out of sight.

My parents used to highlight washing up in their marriage guidance teaching as a great time to chat, to sort through any disagreements or catch up on each others' days. Also a great time to talk to kids without them feeling trapped in parental spotlights, if there are any little topics that need attention. It's something that has gradually been eroded. Yet the dishwasher doesn't really give you that time back in any constructive way - it creates a new chore, but without the same opportunity for conversation. This isn't meant to be an anti-tech post - there are many labour saving devices in the home that I wouldn't be without for even a week! But the dishwasher? We decided to try and do without.


Mostly Andrew and I have been washing up since then. But this month, our calendar had a specific instruction for us - see above! Better yet, Matthew was very taken with the idea! So, I decided that the boys were old enough to help, without smashing all the crockery. I washed, Matthew dried and Adam put things away, with supervisory guidance for both boys from Andrew to avoid sharp knife or wine glass incidents.

I have memories of many such times as a child - my sister and I used to bicker about who got to put away instead of drying up, as the former seemed like the easier chore somehow. On the other hand, my husband was never asked to do anything in the home, his Mum did all of the chores. This calendar prompt seemed like a good time to start the boys off with a daily chore that is communal and makes them aware that the family team has to work together to get stuff done in the house.

As the calendar was quite strict in demanding dancing and singing, we made a play list for the event and it was great! The boys both got stuck in and it was all surprisingly quick! And it was fun. Adam's bum wiggles while at the cutlery drawer were really quite spectacular and Matthew turned out to be a dab hand with the tea towel.

Although, on reflection,  the inclusion of Jump Around in the playlist may have been a mistake. Firstly, it kind of contradicts one of the other songs, and it also may not be the best accompanying music to primary school children holding plates. But we had beginner's luck, I guess! No breakages... 

It was such a success overall, that yesterday, Adam turned to me eagerly after dinner: 'Mummy, Mummy, can we do that thing where we sing and dance and wash up and clean?' Why, yes, son, we can! What a great idea! He also earnestly suggested few new songs for the list. Meanwhile after breakfast today I started rinsing off the cereal bowls only to be reprimanded sternly that I wasn't playing the washing up music. Matthew pointed this out, while picking up the tea towel, without even being asked to! Yes, really, without being asked. Talk about a parenting win!

This may be a blip and a short term parental windfall. The hope is that the kids will get into the habit during the time they still think of this as fun. The calendar will be there for the whole month and the eldest at least will consider this a strict instruction for the whole of January. The true test will be February! Here's to dry, chapped hands and happy conversations - best trade off ever!

Hats

The main reason that I haven't blogged for over 6 months, is that I have been stretched to the max, busy busy busy. Many days I have felt like a juggler, so many balls in the air - so many things to remember to do, people to call, things to get.  It can be draining! And this busy-ness, the hamster wheel of the to do list, is the theme of this blog.

As of almost exactly a year ago, I became self-employed. In theory, I work about 15 hours a week. Some weeks that is about right, others it's definitely far too low an estimate. And for the most part, this work takes place at home. Alongside this I have the usual housewife stuff to manage: laundry, planning, buying and preparing food, cleaning etc. Then the Mum stuff is there too of course: school runs, lunch boxes, homework, playdates...  The '... ' is there because that list is kind of endless. You don't get to the end of a day and clock off being a Mum!

Multitasking becomes the norm: I send work emails and texts while standing at the school gates, or I catch up on work while I should just be relaxing and watching tv in the evening, or I supervise homework while I am cooking dinner, keeping an eye on my work Facebook account and preparing lunch boxes. 

Many parents, Mums especially, deal with this all the time, every day. Multi-tasking is said to be something females are good at, but there is research out there, which suggests that multitasking endlessly is not remotely efficient and can end up damaging your mental health and causing huge stress. One of the reasons this applies especially to Mums is that many of their tasks are related to or witnessed by others, like the housework. I can see this - if I choose not to complete a work task, I can make allowances. If I don't get the laundry done, there will eventually be naked children and a cross husband.

This isn't meant to be a list of my busy-ness and a 'woe is me' post. But increasingly, it has become clear to me that I am coping, but not thriving, with all of this. I wouldn't say my mental health is suffering, but I can see that there has to be an easier way to get everything done. The biggest pressure comes from the fear that sets in when I worry that I have forgotten something. Perhaps I seem organised as I always have a list on me, but it is constantly being added to, not in a planned way, but as things occur to me, in a mild panic. I get home from dropping the kids to school, stand in the hall and know I have about 25 things to do. How do I decide what happens first? I end up stopping and starting each task and things take longer than they need to, which only adds to the sense of rush and pressure.  It all gets done, but at what cost?

The cost is generally grumpiness and tiredness - most of which is displayed as snappy and impatient retorts to the kids. They are uncomplaining recipients of the downside of all this juggling and I can see that I am missing opportunities to just hang out with them. It's going by so fast - I now live with an 8 year old and a 6 year old - when did that happen? I want them to look back and remember me as fun and approachable, not busy and stressed.

New year, time for a change. I didn't set out to make a big New Year's resolution about this. It has just been dawning on me that I wasn't organised at all in the lead up to Christmas, and it took me about 6 weeks from the end of August to get my head around my boys' schedule once they were back at school. A chat with my Mum on Saturday set a big alarm off in my head about how I am managing and, thankfully, showed me a clear path to fixing this.

I should at this point say that my Mum is amazing! She has developed a great teaching about the busy-ness of life and how to make it all work. It's really all about hats. Yes, hats.

How many hats do you wear? I worked out that I wear 12.  I am a Mum, wife, Slimming World Consultant, friend, church member, housewife, person, daughter, sister, childminder etc, all the way to 12. Incidentally, if you have more than 12 hats, it might be time to rethink things as that's not really sustainable in terms of the burden of time and responsibility required of one person. 

The next step was a pie chart to help me work out what chunk of my time needs to go to each hat. And then I took time to plan out my week, allocating the time I need to each hat over the week. 

This might sound really over the top and silly. And as I am posting it here, it is a very diluted version of the full teaching as my Mum gives it, or even of the conversation we had. But, the main thing is that I have, genuinely, seen an immediate effect. Yesterday, I allocated from 3-5 to spend getting housey stuff ready for the whole back to school rush this morning. At 2:45 Matthew wanted some attention from me. Because I knew I had the time booked, instead of telling him I was busy and had loads to do, I said: 'We can do something together for 15 minutes, what do you want to do?' All he wanted was a chat! He showed me some of what he has made on his Christmas present - it's a kind of computer to teach kids how to do coding and programming - and chatted away. I understood about 3 out of every 10 words, but he was delighted with the attention. And, sadly, it highlighted that I have not been doing this, I have been missing opportunities to spend time with this boy, who will be a teenager before I know it and not looking for time with me in the same way.

This morning I got back from the school run and stood in the hall and had a plan ready to enact. I knew I had 2 hours to really attack the housework. I did so with purpose, gusto and loud music. What motivated me hugely is knowing that at 11, I would head out for me time - and I did. I could have done more housework, cause when is that ever actually finished? But I had planned to have time for me, the person, not the Mum, the consultant, the housewife, the anything, but just Sarah. I had a great walk, came home and had lunch, read and felt fantastic. This afternoon is Mum time and tomorrow is mostly Consultant time. And on Sunday I will need to make a new plan to be who I need to be at the right time throughout next week.

It's early days and this might not last. But so far, I am inspired! My list of jobs didn't get any smaller, but my turmoil shrank considerably and I am excited to start 2015 with a clearer sense of all my tasks and responsibilities. And I've always liked hats - maybe I could wear different one for each role? Or I might just stick with the one that my amazing friend Helen gave me. I have been told it looks a bit Downton on me. You know, maybe that's the actual solution: get servants.

Tiny Surfers: Internetiquette for Kids and Parents

'Mummy, can I please be on Instagram?' If this had been a scene from a sit com, I would have spat a mouthful of tea across the kitchen at this point. My 7 year old wants to be on Instagram? Wait, my 7 year old has heard of Instagram and wants to post pictures? WHAT? Why? How?

It is truly astonishing how much kids pick up about things they don't actually use or have direct contact with. We must refer to things all the time, like our Facebook status, or sending email, that we don't really register as being taken in by little ears.

My friend got an iPad the other day and by the time she got to it in the evening, her 7 year old son had downloaded all her apps from her iTunes account, except for Facebook, '... cause I wasn't sure what your email address was...' 

We got both boys fairly cheap tablets that Andy picked up in Malaysia when he was there for work. Matthew took his and got started with some of the games that Andrew had preloaded. But within minutes he turned to me: 'Can I send messages to Jack on this?' And then: 'Can I have a password so no one else can go on this?' That would be a big fat NO to both of those questions! But we were surprised that he thought to ask them...

There is also a PlayStation in the living room and I was taken aback to come in and see Adam, 5, playing a match with 'some guy.' Um, pardon? Who? How? My solution to that one was to just turn the bloody thing off and to alter the access settings. Thankfully Adam was pretty freaked out by this and won't be trying this again - mainly cause the guy was thrashing him in their FIFA match...

Although we knew of course that we had to work hard to stay ahead of the kids in terms of technology, we had thought we would have a bit more of a cushion before they were snapping at our heels. And this is from a pretty IT savvy family. Andy works full time in IT and I am not frightened of it myself. But I have already had to hand my phone over to Matthew, when he was 6, so that he could find a particular app that I couldn't. And the boys discovered how to get onto YouTube through the PlayStation before I even knew that was any kind of an option.

We are helping out at a Parenting Course at the moment and the bulk of the course is dvd presentations from a great couple who are full of practical, realistic, loving and helpful advice. Last week's session was all about boundaries and they touched on the area of screen time and added the usual advice around kids' security on computers: keep the family computer in a central area in the home and then you can monitor what the kids are doing online. However, that is really quite outdated as advice goes as things have changed so rapidly in this arena. Now it is a matter of everyone being on their own devices, or perhaps multiple devices at the one time.


So, what's the best advice for a family with young kids? Here are the 4 main things I think it's worth taking into account:

1. Screen Time: limit this! Establish a culture whereby your kids ask you before they use technology and know that they have a certain time per day to play on screens. See also: http://sarahkeene.blogspot.ie/2013/07/screen-sanity.html

2. Have the conversation with your kids about the internet. In the same way we all find the right time and words to discuss Stranger Danger, the topic needs to be extended to the web. 'Never give your real name on websites', 'How to make a good password' etc. And set up the conversation to prepare them for the day when they come across something that you'd rather they not find online. Cause they will. Realistically, you can't stop that from happening - but you can influence what they choose to do next. 

3. Media Stacking is the snazzy term used for using more than one device at a time: watching Netflix while playing on a tablet and texting too. There is some thought that kids using technology in this way are losing the ability to focus on one thing at a time and that this is affecting the attention they can really give to films, books or other activities. I am not sure what I think of this, but it's an interesting idea and worth keeping an eye on.

4. Look at the devices that they use. There are actually a lot of settings on tablets and games consoles that implement security. Alright, today's kids will probably be able to circumvent these by the time they are 8 and  a half, but it's worth trying! And there are also a lot of great apps out there for parental controls. The best one I have found is Norton Family Security. It's great - you can tailor each child's access as you register them with this service. There is a free element to this, and then you can choose to pay as you need more detailed and specific requirements. It's well worth a look and fairly easy to set up. https://onlinefamily.norton.com/familysafety/nofToGo.fs The main thing I like about it, is that its number 1 recommendation for parents is that they have an open and evolving conversation with their kids about their online activities, thus bringing us neatly back to points 1 and 2.

It can feel very overwhelming, especially if you aren't at all techy. And very quickly terms like cyber bullying start to get chucked about, which can escalate fear and panic around this whole issue. I firmly believe that starting this conversation with your young children, who probably already know more than you realise they do, will give you a better chance of protecting them as they get older. I am not naive enough to think that my boys won't find porn or get silly or abusive messages from their friends as they get older. But I can give them a decent foundation in internetiquette, and hope this will help them negotiate this whole minefield, which is only going to grow in their lifetime.


One key message to take from this:  have the conversation with your kids, about safety, about screen time and keep this conversation open and developing as they get older. But, also, make friends with a tame geek and give them cake and beer at regular intervals so they can help you with this. I took this to the next level and married one. Now you know why I bake so often...

Rush Hour

A typical morning last summer term:
Me: 'Please go upstairs, get your uniform on, get your shoes on and brush your teeth.'

Fifteen minutes later:
Me: 'Why are you still in your pyjamas?'
Child: 'I forgot to get dressed...' (This is an actual quote...)
Me: 'Come on now, you need to hurry!' (still calm and pleasant here, perhaps slightly impatient)

Ten minutes later:
Me: 'Please put the book down - why are you only wearing pants?' (in mildly hysterical tones at this stage...)
Child: 'Sorry, I just NEEDED to finish the chapter...'

Ten minutes later:
Me: 'Where are your shoes? Have you brushed your teeth?'
Child: 'Oh, I forgot.'
Me: 'Back upstairs please, (through gritted teeth) we are running out of time.'

Five minutes later
Me: 'Right, let's go... WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANY SHOES ON?' (way past hysteria now, straight to rage...)

Please tell me this is not just in my house! Some mornings I really despaired!  I absolutely hated the way this turned me into a nagging, shouty, miserable whinge, rather then the modern, relaxed parent I actually am. (ahem.) It nearly felt like the child wouldn't have remembered to breathe unless I reminded him, never mind get dressed and ready for school in any way independently. And it's not like each day was different - he had to get dressed and ready for school every day, yet every day this seemed to be something he forgot about unless he was reminded. By me. Often.

Two weeks ago, the second child started school and I realised that I was going to lose my mind completely if I didn't put something in place to encourage a bit of self starting on the kids' part. 

Now I am definitely a chart parent - there have always been charts in this house: sticker charts, reward charts and screen time charts.  I absolutely love making them and am a very list/chart sort of person in organising my activities anyway, so it's natural enough to apply this to parenting. 

Cue this latest chart:

It's pretty simple - each boy has 5 things to do, based on what they would struggle to remember or get done independently. They tick things off as they complete the tasks. Each tick corresponds to 5 minutes game time earned. So their guaranteed screen time has now been reduced and the remainder can only be earned by readiness and 'getting on with it'ness on school mornings. 

The ultimate threat that accompanies this is that I have said if they are not ready when it is time to leave, I will quite happily take them to school in their pyjamas. This is not a threat I expect to have to implement, but a tiny part of me kind of wants to - just to see their face.  (I know,  (sigh,)  my Mother of the Year certificate is probably already in the post...)

Research has shown that parents often assume that kids will grasp what is obvious to them: these things need to be done for us to get out on time, everyone knows this - it makes perfect sense. But does it to everyone in the household? What seems like a natural sequence of events to us adults, can in fact be a jumble of confusing signals for them. We get frustrated when they don't cop on and the mornings descend into arguments, frustration and rushing.  Parents need to recognise what they can do to make things move more smoothly - what can be set out the night before? How much time does everyone need, realistically? But also, how realistic are the expectations we have of our kids? And do they really know what has to happen and when? Or why?

One article I read on this issue gave the example of a dad who broke his daughter's morning list of activities down into 22 items listed on a spreadsheet. If I gave my sons a 22 point list of things to achieve between 7:30 and 8:45, I think they would take one look and just head back to bed.  So would I! But the principle of my wee chart is the same: make sure these 5 things are done! And you will be rewarded. And the chart is tailored to things that each boy will struggle to do easily, of their own accord. 

And here's the thing - so far, this is working brilliantly.  All I have to say is: 'please check your list and do what it says.' I may have to say this a few times, but it is better than having to mentally get everyone dressed and ready, every step of the way... It is making for much more relaxed and easy school mornings. Long may this last...

Now if only I could make a chart for myself - 5 minutes solitary reading for every shirt ironed or lunchbox filled? 

Flat 7Up and a Duvet on the Couch

Remember that feeling of being sick as a child? I am not aware that I was a particularly sickly kid, but I have very strong memories of being unwell and being looked after, in particular by my Mum.  Even though these are memories of sickness, they are very happy memories as well, as I just remember being warm, snuggled and looked after with care and love. 

One of the best things was being allowed to go into my parents' bed for part of the day. No idea why, but this really felt like a big deal and was reserved for occasions of sickness. I remember feeling very important and special in what seemed like an enormous bed. The other really great thing was a duvet on the couch.  If you were lucky, a double duvet folded over, so you were lying both on and under it. Mmmmmm... the sense of comfort from that should be bottled! 

And I would extend that sense of comfort into the deeply uncomfortable arena of throwing up. It's horrible - the way it takes over your body and, just, yuck.  But when your Mum is rubbing your back and murmuring soothing phrases, you know you will be ok.  I had a French teacher who used to encourage us as we spoke French in exactly the same tone my Mum used when we were being sick.  I always felt a bit nauseous in his classroom...

Then there is the paraphernalia: medicines, dry crackers or biscuits and of course flat 7Up. Nobody ever recovered properly from anything without flat 7Up. And books that you had already read before so you didn't have to think too much. And tv: Anne of Green Gables or Mary Poppins (but not too loud for the singing).

I am of course not talking about hospital sickness here, which is a whole other scenario. But the childhood flus and bugs, which prevented you from going to school and presumably prevented your Mum from doing much of anything, although she was gracious enough not to let on. As a child, I almost revelled in the whole experience - you were allowed to ask for almost anything to eat, drink or watch and the chances of being told no were severely reduced. 

My husband has a very different experience of childhood sickness.  Not that my mum allowed me to be a hypochondriac, but his mum was just not having any of it.  Unless there were broken limbs or blood coming out of his ears, he was going to school...  Consequently, he is rubbish at being unwell himself.  Following surgery, I looked after him while he recuperated and he was totally uninitiated in the art of the couch duvet. There is a knack to the placement of the pillows, the proximity to the coffee table has to be judged carefully and there is of course the all important 'socks or no socks' debate.  All of this was foreign territory to him and I was happy to educate him...

Now it is my turn to be the Mum who looks after sick kids.  Today, my younger son has a nasty tummy bug. Although of course my heart breaks for him, a tiny part of me loves suddenly being needed so much again.  It goes so fast and we are so proud of every milestone.  But each of those means more independence and less direct interaction with me! But today, even though his little woebegone pale face was very tragic indeed, I was secretly delighted at all the extra cuddles I was getting. And, yes, I now get to hold the sick bucket and make the soothing noises.  It is strangely un-gross - it just goes with the territory and I don't mind it at all.

Of course this is all very well for me.  I don't work regular hours outside the home and am in charge of my own schedule. In the recent times I worked in office jobs, I was very fortunate that both kids were relatively healthy, apart from a dose of chicken pox. But today, all I had to worry about was getting the oldest guy a lift to and from football camp.  No drama, no stress really.

How different for working Mums.  And I say Mums here rather than parents.  I think there is a real urge within a very young child for Mummy when they are sick.  With the greatest respect to all Dads everywhere, Mummies are just better at sorting out the duvet on the couch. But when the same Mummy is due in 5 meetings that day, it's a different story. It's a monumental juggling act, loaded with guilt on all sides.  Whatever she does on a day her child is sick, she will be left feeling that she is letting someone down. 

A friend had a sick child just this week, on the day she was due to have an important job assessment talk with a manager. It was just so typical that this was the day there was a sick child in the house. Next thing, the manager sent a mail: his Mum had died and he was cancelling. My friend was delighted! And then horrified at her reaction!  And then just relieved and probably a bit guilty - there always has to be guilt...

My heart goes out to working Mums as they juggle so much to begin with - housework, laundry, shopping, cooking, childcare and the job itself. Adding a sick kid to the mix is just too much and can send the whole dynamic out of whack for the family. The pressure is enormous and sometimes simply having an understanding employer will make the difference.  That is, of course, not a given. Laws about time off for sick kids vary tremendously and it can be a minefield to have to negotiate your rights. As I understand it, in the States, some parents risk job loss or the docking of pay if they have to mind sick kids. Grandparents and aunties can help out, but only if they are around to begin with and even then only if the child is well enough to have anyone but Mummy.

This is perhaps one area where equality is a bit of a flawed concept.  It's great that woman can and do work of course, but kids need their Mummies when they are sick and perhaps employers should allow for this.  But then you can see where employers would avoid employing women of a certain age (where they are not already doing so), and the whole thing gets a bit murky. 

There is no obvious solution here - each family just muddles through and keeps their kids as healthy as possible. Having recently seen a family close to me go through two weeks of stress around this issue, I wish I could be a fairy godmother and swoop in to help with this kind of situation. Maybe that's what all families need! 

Meanwhile, I need to go and wake my poorly bunny and hope the sleep has done him well. Think it's time for Toy Story, watched from the vantage point of a duvet nest on the couch - prepared by an expert!  Now where did I leave that 7Up?

Screen Sanity

After a few days on our holiday in France, Adam came to me looking sad. 'I miss our house in Ireland...' Before I had a chance to feel kind of touched by his sweetness, he followed this up with: '...because I want to play FIFA on the Wii.' Right. There we were in a beautiful campsite, on a gorgeous sunny day, about to set off for a day at a stunning lake, and he wanted to play fake, indoor, computerised football.

Both boys now have the requisite level of dexterity needed for quite a few computer games and love playing FIFA or bowling on the Wii. They also constantly demand time on the iPad or on our phones to play Angry Birds, Minecraft or a random succession of racing games. 
On a busy day, when I am tired or when I am trying to get something done, it is very easy to just say yes, and guarantee myself some peace as they are quite self sufficient when playing these. The house goes quiet apart from the electronic beeping and chirping. It's bliss! And then you realise that they have been quiet for over an hour and that they have been slumped over the iPad firing birds at pigs or gaining a completely false idea of their bowling prowess by getting strike after strike by accurately flicking their wrists. If they then have a bit of tv time as well, and you then add up all the time they have been looking at a screen, it can be fairly alarming.

Cue parental guilt and the inevitable overcompensating: nature walks and baking. Not that these aren't brilliant things to do. But the kids could also just play with their toys, read a book or use their imagination when building a fort. Some time ago I began to realise that my kids expected to be entertained, by something I had organised or by a screen: tv or otherwise.

On a parenting course we took last year, there was a section on how much screen time kids get. On the dvd, a range of experts spoke about this and expressed concern at how much tv kids were watching nowadays and discussed the amount of time that was considered acceptable.  Dr Aric Sigman had a lot to say about this; in fact if you google his name, quite a few articles on this topic come up. He stated that kids of a young age, like my two, should spend no more than an hour, and preferably less, watching tv. In fact, he said that children under 3, should not watch any tv.

One of the interesting things he explained, was the danger of a child coming to understand the world virtually, before they experienced it genuinely. It is much healthier for a child to have a new experience for themselves, such as going to the beach, or going to a birthday party, before they see a version of this in a cartoon.  Of course there are things they may only ever see on tv, like outer space or the Great Wall of China. But in terms of everyday life, it is much better for them to do things for themselves before they have a version of it in their minds that is fictionalised and probably American and will therefore not really correspond to their eventual experience. (I am extrapolating somewhat from Dr Sigman, as I apply this to my kids, at their ages and stages.)

In conjunction with this, he said that many kids were no longer left to their own devices, to just 'play', in the purest sense of the word. He states that it is very important for kids' imaginations that they are left, with no input from adults, and no organised activities, to just choose their own form of play and begin to make up their own fun.

This made a lot of sense to me when I heard it. Although, I don't know how realistic it is for kids under 3 to watch no tv. It certainly helped a great deal when I had a very young toddler and a newborn baby, that I could put on cbeebies and have a bit of space for ten minutes while the baby napped. However, I certainly agree with him that it is far too easy to ratchet up the screen time, especially when computer time is added to tv, and that kids generally spend too much time just gazing passively. And I know I can be overly concerned about the kids getting bored and organise too many play dates and activities to avoid this , giving them little time to just mooch and find their own fun. So, how to implement all of this?

Here's one thing that worked: I tried to get as late in the day as possible before we turned the tv on.  On a good day, this was after dinner.  But there were days when there was a sick child, or endless rain or a frazzled me, when this was just not feasible and a movie was the best option for general sanity and harmony.

Here's something that didn't work: having a general sense that the kids were best limited on computer time, but not really timing it throughout the day. The result: endless whining and grousing and Mummy being a policeman and constantly saying no and being seen as very mean and unfair. If the kids play this one right, they can actually get a lot of screen time, if they reach the whining tipping point where Mummy would agree to almost anything if they would just STOP WHINING. Cue more guilt. Not a happy house.

So, here's what we came up with to resolve this whole issue: 

This chart has been a real winner with everyone.  Here's how it works.  Each boy is allowed 45 minutes per day of screen time, which will entail computer, Wii, iPad, phone and even Matthew's little camera that has games on it. There is a further 45 minutes of tv time available; the bottom white line for each boy.  It is completely up to them how they spend this time, and 'spend' is the operative word.  As I had hoped, they treat the 45 minutes like credit and run it down. They plan how to use the time, and have been really positive towards this. There are little pictures of every available device and they all have velcro on their reverse, which is what the white time line of the chart is also made of. The boys play on whatever they choose, having planned before hand what they will do and for how long. The key tool here is the oven timer. 

Example: Adam decides he will play on the Wii - he knows he wants to play two matches on FIFA and decides to allocate 20 minutes to this.  The oven timer is set and play commences.  The oven beeps and he stops.  They have both been surprisingly good about stopping play when their time is up.  Having their sibling keep them in check is useful! They can of course play on, but in the knowledge that they are losing more time on the chart. Then they choose the correct picture, place it on the timeline and, job done.

It is generally working out that they are spending half an hour each on the Wii in the mornings, maybe 5 minutes on the iPad later and then choosing to save their remaining ten minutes for Daddy's phone, which has a cool new race car game.  They are really learning to plan their time and delay their gratification in this way and I have been impressed by how they have stuck to this and been completely accountable to it.

The tv one is easier to monitor as our home made system is not easy to use and they generally need me to turn the whole thing on for them. Incidentally, we have put in place a caveat with the 45 daily minutes allocated to tv and that is sports.  They are such enthusiastic sports watchers!  There are no glazed over eyes or couch potato positions when sports are on.  Both boys are generally commenting avidly throughout, asking endless questions, and often charging out to the hall or garden to recreate the goal, try or lap they have just seen. So we felt this was a different kind of viewing, and limiting it wasn't as necessary.


When they have used up their screen time, that is that. No negotiation.  The exceptions to this would be a hospital visit, travel or something similar. Then what? I am much more hands off now when suggesting what they do next.  They have started to drift off and play brilliantly with random toys, and I have overheard great race commentaries as Adam lines up his cars or been suddenly confronted with 'Mr Neymar', one of the boys in a cunning disguise, who has decided to visit us. If they do get bored, then there is always the 'I'm Bored Jar'.  I can't take credit for this, but you can read about it here: http://sarahkeene.blogspot.ie/search/label/%27I%27m%20Bored%27%20Jar

As for me, I am just so relieved not to be the bad cop all day long!  Everyone knows the limits and has full control over how they use them, so I am not having to say no any more - there is a visual cue in the hall, and no need to ask. The only thing I still check is that they are accurately placing the pictures on the chart and of course that the games they are playing are ones I am ok with. 

A bonus: they can also lose viewing or gaming time through bad behaviour. Warning them of this is generally very effective and will usually curtail whatever naughtiness is happening. 

One reason this is all working so well is that they are very young and we are still in control of the games they are choosing and the programmes they watch.  Of course as they get older, they will push against this, have their own laptops etc and this will have to be dealt with differently as they change, want to start using Social Media, having their own phones and so on. If I can help it, they will never have their own tvs; we will never have more than one tv in the house in fact. But of course this means less and less as viewing is increasingly done through Netflix, youtube etc. 

In the main however, I would like to think we are at least putting good practises in place and teaching them not to just be screen robots. It's a big issue for this new generation - they are surrounded by gadgets and see adults on them all the time. And here is the challenge for me - it's all very well making this fancy chart for them , but what am I modelling to them at the same time? This is an ongoing thought process and I will no doubt report back on it in due course...

If Music Be The Way To Get Your Child To Eat, Play On...

Apparently 1 in 4 Irish primary school children is overweight or obese. As I look around my son's school, I don't see that reflected in the kids in the playground. There are really very few kids who seem to be to be overweight, maybe 1 or 2 per class. And no one I would describe as obese, although I know the technical medical definition for this is actually surprisingly lower than most people might think. So there must be some schools where about half or even two thirds of kids are overweight. 

We definitely do not have a childhood obesity crisis in our house - more of a 'pleeeeeeeaaaaase eeeeeeeaaaat' crisis.  When it comes to one of the boys anyway...  An example: this evening, Matthew asked for seconds after he quickly demolished a bowl of pasta bolognese. After the two bowls, he devoured a big yoghurt and skipped off merrily to play in the garden. Meanwhile, Adam was languishing on the other side of the table, listlessly poking at individual pieces of pasta. Eventually, he consented to eat 6 spoonfuls of his meal and didn't want a yoghurt or anything else for dessert.

The battle to get Adam to eat has been dragging on now for far too long and has been very very frustrating. I had really hoped he would have snapped out of it by now. 

Matthew was a terrible eater for a long time and I tied myself in knots getting enough food into him.  I learned the hard way that you really can't make a child eat what their stomach tells them they don't want. One evening I really lost it and nagged the food into him. The result was not pretty - he promptly threw up. Nice. When he was about 3 and a half, he just started eating and has barely stopped since.

I was much more relaxed about Adam's poor eating as I assumed he too would snap out of it and I didn't want a repeat of the vomit scenario. So we got to 3 and a half and Andrew and I watched him expecting the 'ta da' moment as he happily started eating. Then we passed 4, still no voluntary eating, unless you count crisps. He is now almost 5 and that 'ta da' moment is still but a hope...

Plenty of people have told me to relax and that he looks fine and that he will eat when he decides to.  However, in Adam's case, we don't really have the option to wait and see when he decides he has an appetite. As he has growth hormone deficiency, it is extra important that he eats in order to allow his medication to do its job. This was made evident when we were at a recent growth check up.  These take place every three months.  He had grown, but much less than any previous visits. And he had lost weight. The doctor was concerned enough to order blood tests to rule out any other causes, but I knew it was just that he doesn't want to eat, doesn't seem to enjoy food at all, doesn't even want desserts and seems to be incredibly active and healthy with very very little food. Except for his growth, which is clearly impeded by his lack of eating.

So, here began a series of all kinds of ploys and incentives to get the child to EAT. Adam is a very very strong willed, quirky and determined individual, who is not easy to persuade to do something he doesn't want to do. Of course, with parental authority, we could have just insisted rigourously that he eat every meal, but I also want him to learn to enjoy food and to know what is a good diet. The trick was to maintain healthy eating and resist the temptation to pump him full of saturated fats, thereby upping his weight, yes, but making him a good candidate to become a statistic in later life. So, three square meals, healthy snacks - here we go:

Reward charts, threats, bribes, setting the oven timer as a deadline...  All fairly exhausting, and all had some success, except for the oven timer. This led to him eating nothing for the first 19 minutes, ramming it all in in a panic in the last 60 seconds, and then, yes, more vomit. 

Then, unexpectedly, the best incentive yet...  We have been playing all kinds of tunes from Spotify, mostly in the kitchen and mostly very very loudly. One morning I chose a song I like, which the boys were getting sick of. Adam was dawdling over his bowl of yoghurt, which was part of his breakfast. He asked to choose his own song. Without really thinking, I said he could choose a song, once he had finished his yoghurt.  Well, I never saw him eat so quickly and so well!  Then he skipped over to the the iPad and chose his song and had a good little dance around the kitchen.  

This was repeated for several meals and has had a great impact!  Meanwhile, the hard work has paid off, as his last growth check up showed that his weight was up and his growth rate back on track. It is great to have found a way to tap into his enthusiasm for something completely different, music,  in order to try to get him to eat. I am not using this with every meal for fear of music fatigue and although I know it will have a limited shelf life, and we will have to come up with a new and creative way to motivate him to finish his meals, for now, it is making for a happier, and fairly noisy Keene kitchen.

Care Scare

Adam starts his last fortnight at his playschool tomorrow. He will have been there for 3 years! That is hard to believe... He was almost 2 when he first went to Janet's and I remember the first day I left him there and how he cried every time I dropped him for the first 2 weeks. And I remember the reassuring texts from Janet telling me had was fine about 5 minutes later. He has been looked after so well there and I am so grateful for the confidence I was able to have that he was happy, safe and enjoying himself every day. Janet is a unique childcare provider in that she runs a playschool for 3 hours every morning, but also offers childcare for working parentsfor the remainder of the day, as needed.

A couple of weeks ago the number one news story in Ireland was the poor care of children in creches. A TV show had a researcher pose as an employee in three different creches and secretly film what some of the other employees got up to. It should be said at the outset that there was by no means wholescale physical abuse or neglect.  However, the footage there was was definitely disturbing enough to send a chill through every working parent in the country... kids being yelled at, left in highchairs for hours, expected to nap on flimsy mats in fully lit rooms, carers on their phones while responsible for a roomful of kids...  As you would expect, this set light to a national debate on the issue of childcare. Is it better to have your kids looked after in their own home? Who keeps an eye on the private childminders anyway? Is it healthier for children to be with other kids in a creche environment? How much training do creche employees need? Why do Irish parents pay so much more than their European counterparts for daycare?

The juggling of parenting, work and family time is hard enough without adding the extra layer of stress and worry many parents would have experienced in the aftermath of the programme.  Some parents I heard on the radio said they had decided to leave their kids in the creches concerned as they felt these were isolated incidents and the staff members concerned were no longer there. Others moved their kids immediately and there was much talk of creches that allowed parents to access secure weblinks to check on their kids periodically. One of the facilities featured is up the road from our house; when I had my haircut the day after the show aired, the only topic in the hairdressers was the creche and how horrified people had been by the programme.

It is all such a head wrecker!  When I got my previous job, childcare was the one big issue to resolve. It was a scary thing. At the time we had 2 pre-schoolers and I was going to be in the office 3 days a week. We decided to keep the boys together - so not in a creche where they would be in separate aged rooms. We thought a childminder was the best option so I put a notice up advertising our need for someone in a few local shops.

I got 3 responses:
The first lady was down the road in the next village and we went to meet her. She had a son who was between my 2 in age and a daughter who was ten. The house was clean and tidy and she was very friendly. However... I very quickly had some concerns and my Mummy Sensor started tingling.
1. No books in the playroom, just a big tv. Not good.
2. She said she didn't smoke, but I came across cigarette butts in the bathroom. Really very very bad.
3. Her son was quite rowdy and she had limited success in curbing his behaviour.
There were a couple of other things and all in all they added up to a feeling that I wasn't sure this was the right lady to look after my boys...

The next call I got was from a woman who arranged to meet me for coffee and a chat. I waited and waited and waited and she never turned up!  I left a few messages and never heard from her again!  That was hardly the best way to make me convinced that she was the right person to leave in my home with my kids... reliable? punctual? um, no.

I talked to a friend about this and we realised it was the same woman she had interviewed previously when she was looking for a childminder.  My friend had discovered that this woman was the daughter of a notorious gangland tough guy in Dublin. Instead of feeling annoyed she hadn't turned up, I began to feel relieved...

But I was getting a bit scared at this stage...! How can you be sure anyone will be a good carer for your kids on the basis of meeting them and having a chat? Were the two people I had met so far as good as it got?

And then Janet rang me - I went to see her and the first thing I saw when I walked in was a big box of books, including a children's Bible. The place was light, airy and totally child friendly. She was so gentle and professional and one of the first things she told me was that she, her husband and both her her parents who visited frequently had been garda-vetted.

That was in August 2010 and now we have 10 more drop offs and pick ups at Janet's left to go... I know that she offers exceptional care and I am so grateful for her.

Anyone can start childminding - I mind 2 kids on a Thursday afternoon in a private arrangement with some friends. It has been fantastic and I have seen it from the other side, although it has only been for a few hours per week as opposed to a full time job. There have been many calls for more regulation in this whole area, for childminders as well as creches as the debate has rumbled on since the tv show. I can see that this is necessary and will help assuage parental fears and concerns. It remains a very difficult issue though and each family has to find the best solution to suit their needs and their individual kids.

For us, Adam's last fortnight is a bit of a milestone and from September onwards we will have 2 schoolboys!  Astonishing!

Blogging Break

Someone said to me on Friday that they enjoyed my blog and when was I going to write again?  Quite shocked to realise my last entry was in November.... how did that happen? As in, how did 7 months zoom by without me realising? 

One of the reasons is that I started up a mini company / initiative / thing called IT Confidence.  My Dad got an iPhone and I was helping him make the most of it, when he suggested that was something I could help others with, and potentially charge for. And not just iPhones, but laptops, iPads, kindles, all manner of devices.  

It made sense, so I decided to go ahead and have had quite a few clients since then.  They have had me install and teach Skype, or look at using RTE Player, help them be secure on Facebook, or just be more confident in using their technology.  It has been very enjoyable for the most part and I hope it will grow.

It is almost exactly a year since I finished up my old job as an Admin/PA.  Although I really enjoyed the work, I can honestly say that I really haven't missed the job at all.  The relief of not having to be an employee and a mother and a house wife all in the same day! The difference in being able to plan out my own week without having to jump through childcare hoops as meetings occurred outside my normal working hours! 

An article I read at the weekend was commenting that this generation of young women knows too much about being a working Mum.  Previous generations of women were breaking new ground and went for it, discovering the issues along the way. Then the whole concept of 'having it all' began to be thrashed out, written about and debated. The writer of this piece quoted recent films like What To Expect When Your Expecting and Friends With Kids, both of which I happen to have seen recently.  She reckons that the whole issue is so over discussed, over analysed and over filmed that women her age are now often convinced that they can't have it all and in many cases delay having kids or decide not to instead of attempting to juggle career and kids, as the myth that they can be a successful career woman and a good mother has been thoroughly debunked.

Well, the title 'career woman' was not exactly applicable to me; nor did I want it to be. That doesn't mean I didn't want to work outside the home. But there are so many factors to consider: childcare, school holidays, sick kids, husband travelling with his work... the list goes on and on.
Despite racking my brains as I finished work, there didn't seem to be an obvious next job for me, in which I could be at the school gates at the right time, without breaking the speed limit on the N11 every day. One in which I could have some responsibility, but not too much, so that I could just leave work at work and be with the kids 100% when at home. And one in which I could design my own schedule and be in charge of my own time. The reason there wasn't an obvious next job should be apparent... 

Until my Dad said what he did - what a genius!  It ticked all the boxes and I have enjoyed the challenge of teaching people to make the most of their technology.  It has been incredibly varied and interesting; different devices, different abilities, just different people! I can honestly say that I never expected to start my own 'company'.  I use the speech marks, as it seems kind of small to give it that title.  But it is officially registered with the correct authorities as such, so I guess it truly is.

It's a great solution for a Mum of young kids - I feel like I am able to contribute a bit to the finances of Keene Inc and I am also able to exercise my brain with something other than cleaning or the kids.  But, this is all on my own schedule, and that's the key for working Mums, combining everything is tricky.  Media stories like the recent scare over the quality of care in Ireland's creches really don't help, as they only add to the stress and guilt of the whole scenario.

I am not expecting IT confidence to make me a millionaire...  although I think Andrew is hoping to retire soon on that basis. It is just great to have something that can fit into family life without fuss or drama and I don't take for granted what a rare and amazing opportunity this is.

IT Confidence is therefore to blame a bit for the lack of blogging!  But I will make an effort to be a better blogger from now on...

The Birds and The Blokes

Tomorrow I will be borrowing a book from my parents that I remember very well.  It's called 'I Wonder, I Wonder' and it's the first of three books that my sister and I read with our parents over a few years, which took us through the basic 'need to know' of the facts of life. The books varied in how they presented the info and how much they really presented at all, according to the age of the intended audience. So the first book was mostly about how boys and girls are different and how families change when new babies arrive. As I remember it, the family in the story had twins, conveniently a boy and a girl who turned out to look very different at nappy changing time. There was some talk of seeds and eggs, but nice and vague at this point. The second book is called 'How You Got To Be You' and was a bit more biological - I remember a lot about ducklings for some reason and then some stuff about puberty and how bodies change. The final book was really for ten year olds or older and talked much more about sex as such - placing it in the context of relationships as well as explaining the basics. I can't remember the title of this one - clearly I have been traumatised by memories of reading it with my parents and wishing I could be anywhere else.

Actually, it wasn't that bad! I am happy that I found out about sex from my parents, in a safe environment, where I was able to ask questions.  That way, when it was becoming more of a topic at school, I wasn't uninformed and gullible.  I certainly learned a lot more from school mates, as one does, but felt pretty clear that I wasn't in any rush to experience something I had come to see as part of marriage rather than part of being a teenager.

This is all very well, but the boot is on the other foot now, and we are gearing up to sit down with Matthew and start looking at the first book together.  Hopefully the books will do a lot of the work for us!  Matthew is only six, so we are not going to be talking about sex as such, but I guess laying the ground work for future conversations. It has become increasingly evident that both boys are thoroughly entertained by bums, willies and anything remotely toilet related. Sigh.  I guess that's as good a place to start as any, and if we get through a few good chats and Matthew comes out of them knowing how to be appropriately private and safe, then that is good enough for now.

One thing I am very clear on is that I don't want to lie to him.  It is hard to balance 'telling the truth' with not giving a young child more information than they can handle.  I have seen both scenarios in action with different friends.  One friend's boy was curious about how puppies had come out of a dog he knew. In a bit of a panic, and not wanting to be too graphic, his Mum ended up telling him they came out of the dog's belly button.  This seems a bit bonkers to me!  What harm could come from telling him the truth? On the other hand, a different friend was pregnant and determined to be very open with her older son and to answer any questions he had.  He ended up being almost obsessed with some aspects of the baby, in particular with breastfeeding.  I don't think a 3 year old needs to know what an areola is...

Parents will know their own kids and be able to judge what they can handle. It would seem sensible to me to get to your kids early with the correct info before they end up with some garbled account. Some people say that early sex ed leads to earlier sexualisation and being sexually active.  That was certainly not true in my case and I would rather be open and honest with my boys than have them find out from their friends - especially if they ask the kid who thinks babies come out of belly buttons!