Care Scare

Adam starts his last fortnight at his playschool tomorrow. He will have been there for 3 years! That is hard to believe... He was almost 2 when he first went to Janet's and I remember the first day I left him there and how he cried every time I dropped him for the first 2 weeks. And I remember the reassuring texts from Janet telling me had was fine about 5 minutes later. He has been looked after so well there and I am so grateful for the confidence I was able to have that he was happy, safe and enjoying himself every day. Janet is a unique childcare provider in that she runs a playschool for 3 hours every morning, but also offers childcare for working parentsfor the remainder of the day, as needed.

A couple of weeks ago the number one news story in Ireland was the poor care of children in creches. A TV show had a researcher pose as an employee in three different creches and secretly film what some of the other employees got up to. It should be said at the outset that there was by no means wholescale physical abuse or neglect.  However, the footage there was was definitely disturbing enough to send a chill through every working parent in the country... kids being yelled at, left in highchairs for hours, expected to nap on flimsy mats in fully lit rooms, carers on their phones while responsible for a roomful of kids...  As you would expect, this set light to a national debate on the issue of childcare. Is it better to have your kids looked after in their own home? Who keeps an eye on the private childminders anyway? Is it healthier for children to be with other kids in a creche environment? How much training do creche employees need? Why do Irish parents pay so much more than their European counterparts for daycare?

The juggling of parenting, work and family time is hard enough without adding the extra layer of stress and worry many parents would have experienced in the aftermath of the programme.  Some parents I heard on the radio said they had decided to leave their kids in the creches concerned as they felt these were isolated incidents and the staff members concerned were no longer there. Others moved their kids immediately and there was much talk of creches that allowed parents to access secure weblinks to check on their kids periodically. One of the facilities featured is up the road from our house; when I had my haircut the day after the show aired, the only topic in the hairdressers was the creche and how horrified people had been by the programme.

It is all such a head wrecker!  When I got my previous job, childcare was the one big issue to resolve. It was a scary thing. At the time we had 2 pre-schoolers and I was going to be in the office 3 days a week. We decided to keep the boys together - so not in a creche where they would be in separate aged rooms. We thought a childminder was the best option so I put a notice up advertising our need for someone in a few local shops.

I got 3 responses:
The first lady was down the road in the next village and we went to meet her. She had a son who was between my 2 in age and a daughter who was ten. The house was clean and tidy and she was very friendly. However... I very quickly had some concerns and my Mummy Sensor started tingling.
1. No books in the playroom, just a big tv. Not good.
2. She said she didn't smoke, but I came across cigarette butts in the bathroom. Really very very bad.
3. Her son was quite rowdy and she had limited success in curbing his behaviour.
There were a couple of other things and all in all they added up to a feeling that I wasn't sure this was the right lady to look after my boys...

The next call I got was from a woman who arranged to meet me for coffee and a chat. I waited and waited and waited and she never turned up!  I left a few messages and never heard from her again!  That was hardly the best way to make me convinced that she was the right person to leave in my home with my kids... reliable? punctual? um, no.

I talked to a friend about this and we realised it was the same woman she had interviewed previously when she was looking for a childminder.  My friend had discovered that this woman was the daughter of a notorious gangland tough guy in Dublin. Instead of feeling annoyed she hadn't turned up, I began to feel relieved...

But I was getting a bit scared at this stage...! How can you be sure anyone will be a good carer for your kids on the basis of meeting them and having a chat? Were the two people I had met so far as good as it got?

And then Janet rang me - I went to see her and the first thing I saw when I walked in was a big box of books, including a children's Bible. The place was light, airy and totally child friendly. She was so gentle and professional and one of the first things she told me was that she, her husband and both her her parents who visited frequently had been garda-vetted.

That was in August 2010 and now we have 10 more drop offs and pick ups at Janet's left to go... I know that she offers exceptional care and I am so grateful for her.

Anyone can start childminding - I mind 2 kids on a Thursday afternoon in a private arrangement with some friends. It has been fantastic and I have seen it from the other side, although it has only been for a few hours per week as opposed to a full time job. There have been many calls for more regulation in this whole area, for childminders as well as creches as the debate has rumbled on since the tv show. I can see that this is necessary and will help assuage parental fears and concerns. It remains a very difficult issue though and each family has to find the best solution to suit their needs and their individual kids.

For us, Adam's last fortnight is a bit of a milestone and from September onwards we will have 2 schoolboys!  Astonishing!

Blogging Break

Someone said to me on Friday that they enjoyed my blog and when was I going to write again?  Quite shocked to realise my last entry was in November.... how did that happen? As in, how did 7 months zoom by without me realising? 

One of the reasons is that I started up a mini company / initiative / thing called IT Confidence.  My Dad got an iPhone and I was helping him make the most of it, when he suggested that was something I could help others with, and potentially charge for. And not just iPhones, but laptops, iPads, kindles, all manner of devices.  

It made sense, so I decided to go ahead and have had quite a few clients since then.  They have had me install and teach Skype, or look at using RTE Player, help them be secure on Facebook, or just be more confident in using their technology.  It has been very enjoyable for the most part and I hope it will grow.

It is almost exactly a year since I finished up my old job as an Admin/PA.  Although I really enjoyed the work, I can honestly say that I really haven't missed the job at all.  The relief of not having to be an employee and a mother and a house wife all in the same day! The difference in being able to plan out my own week without having to jump through childcare hoops as meetings occurred outside my normal working hours! 

An article I read at the weekend was commenting that this generation of young women knows too much about being a working Mum.  Previous generations of women were breaking new ground and went for it, discovering the issues along the way. Then the whole concept of 'having it all' began to be thrashed out, written about and debated. The writer of this piece quoted recent films like What To Expect When Your Expecting and Friends With Kids, both of which I happen to have seen recently.  She reckons that the whole issue is so over discussed, over analysed and over filmed that women her age are now often convinced that they can't have it all and in many cases delay having kids or decide not to instead of attempting to juggle career and kids, as the myth that they can be a successful career woman and a good mother has been thoroughly debunked.

Well, the title 'career woman' was not exactly applicable to me; nor did I want it to be. That doesn't mean I didn't want to work outside the home. But there are so many factors to consider: childcare, school holidays, sick kids, husband travelling with his work... the list goes on and on.
Despite racking my brains as I finished work, there didn't seem to be an obvious next job for me, in which I could be at the school gates at the right time, without breaking the speed limit on the N11 every day. One in which I could have some responsibility, but not too much, so that I could just leave work at work and be with the kids 100% when at home. And one in which I could design my own schedule and be in charge of my own time. The reason there wasn't an obvious next job should be apparent... 

Until my Dad said what he did - what a genius!  It ticked all the boxes and I have enjoyed the challenge of teaching people to make the most of their technology.  It has been incredibly varied and interesting; different devices, different abilities, just different people! I can honestly say that I never expected to start my own 'company'.  I use the speech marks, as it seems kind of small to give it that title.  But it is officially registered with the correct authorities as such, so I guess it truly is.

It's a great solution for a Mum of young kids - I feel like I am able to contribute a bit to the finances of Keene Inc and I am also able to exercise my brain with something other than cleaning or the kids.  But, this is all on my own schedule, and that's the key for working Mums, combining everything is tricky.  Media stories like the recent scare over the quality of care in Ireland's creches really don't help, as they only add to the stress and guilt of the whole scenario.

I am not expecting IT confidence to make me a millionaire...  although I think Andrew is hoping to retire soon on that basis. It is just great to have something that can fit into family life without fuss or drama and I don't take for granted what a rare and amazing opportunity this is.

IT Confidence is therefore to blame a bit for the lack of blogging!  But I will make an effort to be a better blogger from now on...

Lies, Damn Lies, a Fairy and a Bishop

Isn't it peculiar that we teach our children that honesty is vital, when we actually promote and foster several complete fabrications throughout their early years? Lying is the worst thing, and we teach our kids that they must always tell us the truth, even if it's to confess something they have done that will make us angry - we will be more angry if we find out they have lied than about the actual crime, whatever it may be.  I remember as a young child, the word 'lying' conjured up a real sense of evil and seemed like the worst thing anyone could do!

Yet we are all complicit in several huge scams in which children are utterly deceived!  Yes, I am about to reveal that the Tooth Fairy and Santa are not in fact true... If I have just burst your bubble, I do apologise.  (A bit.)  (Not really...)

Ok, let's not get carried away.  We are of course not really lying or deceiving anyone. (Technically though....) Of course: the Tooth Fairy helps kids see a possibly traumatic and bloody tooth loss as magical and beneficial - it's a lovely idea in many ways! And I understand how Santa came to be the fat bloke from the Coke ads and Hollywood, derived all the way from a Turkish bishop. 

Matthew lost his first tooth yesterday and was thrilled when he woke this morning to find a shiny coin under his pillow. By the time he came home from school, a classmate had told him that she thought the Tooth Fairy didn't leave the coin, but parents did. Notice she didn't say there was no such thing as the Tooth Fairy! Matthew kind of told me this without asking me directly, which meant I didn't have to lie.  By this evening he was chatting away again about the Tooth Fairy and giving his remaining teeth a good old wiggle to hasten the arrival of more under-the-pillow riches. Perhaps he decided to hedge his bets in case lack of belief meant lack of money!

If he had asked me straight out if I had left the coin, I would have said yes. This would have been followed quickly by the instruction to keep this quiet and not to spoil this for his classmates. By six I think a child should be able to do this. In fact, I know they can, because I was that child: I didn't tell my classmates that there was no such thing as Santa. Or indeed Sinterklaas.

How did I find out by six that there was no Santa? Well, call it another Third Culture Kid situation.  As we were growing up in Holland my parents had to decide how to handle the whole clash of Sinterklaas and Santa. Here's a quick introduction to Sinterklaas for the uninitiated: he is absolutely also derived from St Nicholas of Smyrna. In fact, he is still dressed as a bishop, with a mitre and everything.  But he lives in Spain, not the North Pole. And he travels by boat to Holland and then around the roofs by horse on December 5th, not 25th. He doesn't nip down the chimneys himself, but has Black Peter, his servant, who leaves presents in the shoes that are left out. Naughty children run the risk of being put in a bag and being taken away to Spain by Black Peter.  There are many other features; families get together and give each other very complicated gifts, with poems. ( I really am not making this up.) There is a big tradition of chocolate and marzipan letters and sweets. And of course Sinterklaas' arrival in Holland is broadcast live and is cause for huge excitement as his helpers throw special sweets called Pepernoten to people.  It is a big big deal.

So how do you explain to your little girls what this is all about when all their cousins in Ireland and England are talking about Santa? My parents decided to cut their losses and as far as I can remember, I always knew that neither Santa or Sinterklaas were real.  The most important thing, however,  that my sister and I were told in no uncertain terms, was that we were absolutely not permitted to burst anyone else's bubble... If you can believe it, we never did. I remember many conversations where we played along with our excited classmates in anticipating the gifts Sinterklaas would bring, despite knowing full well it was all a load of rubbish.

One of the reasons my Mum was happy enough to tell us the truth early on, was that she has never forgotten the crushing and humiliating disappointment of discovering that her whole family already knew that Santa wasn't real and she was the last to know, as the youngest of six. That was the year she got a bike and her Dad had even put soot on the saddle! This just added to the sense that they were all playing a big trick on her, and she was pretty devastated. 

When it came to my kids, I would have been quite happy to go the same route and do without the whole Santa thing. In discussing this with friends when Matthew was much younger, some of them looked at me like I had suggested cutting off his legs. Seriously, I wonder how many of them considered calling social services...  In general Andrew and I were quite taken aback by how much Irish people went on about 'Santy' and asked us if we were taking Matthew to see him at his very first Christmas. He was 4 months old! 

Andrew wasn't impressed by the idea of not letting the kids believe in Santa and felt it was taking away the magic of Christmas. Having never believed in him and always absolutely loved Christmas and felt it was quite magical enough, it was hard for me to understand this.  In the end, I was outflanked as both boys learned about Santa at such a young age from their play schools and were so convinced and excited that it would have been absolutely awful of me to take some kind of stand on this. So, in our house, Santa brings the contents of their stockings and the rest of the presents are from family and friends.  This limits the gift lists as well as Mum and Dad's wallets are not as bottomless as Santa's!

In the end, I don't like the idea that I am not being honest with my children, even if my motive is to give them a bit of magic in the middle of their childhood. I will never lie if they ask me straight out if Santa or the Tooth Fairy are real. For now, these questions haven't even begun to occur to them, so the myth remains intact. We will see what happens when they do find out and I guess my one concern is that they may begin to question the truth of all kinds of things and I would hate for them to throw out the baby with the bathwater, by which I mean baby Jesus when it comes to Christmas at least! On the other hand, I can see the value of them questioning this as it may lead to some good chats. We shall see.  

I wonder when the myth will be exploded! Apparently Paris Hilton believed in Santa till she was 17. I started out talking about lies, and this may be a whopper, or at least an urban myth.  But as a matter of fact I have no problem believing that she was that stupid and sheltered. I expect she probably still does believe in the Tooth Fairy.

Nationality-ism

A friend told me recently that she had mentioned me to 2 other ladies I also know, but not very well.  This led to a very confused conversation as they all thought I was from a different country. 'Oh, yes, the English Mum.' 'English? She sounded Irish to me!' 'Hang on, she told me she was Dutch...' So my friend wanted me to settle the matter.

The question 'Where are you from?' always makes me feel a bit self-conscious. Over the years I have developed a fairly short reply, but it tends to lead to further questions and inevitably: 'So, what nationality are you?'

The short answer to the first question is: 'I was brought up in Holland by Irish parents.' My answer to the inevitable question that follows is a bit noncommittal - I am of the opinion that you don't really have to choose a nationality if you don't feel that it fits you. If pushed, I would say I am European.

Many people absolutely can't cope with this reply at all and settle in for a chat about it; tending to approach it like a maths problem. 'So, where were you born?' or 'Where are your parents from?' or 'What passport do you carry?' Holland, Ireland and Irish respectively as it happens, which leads to the inevitable: 'Well, then you must be Dutch/Irish!' 

I must? Do people think I am too stupid to have worked that out for myself if they have managed to do so in 30 seconds using their own personal criteria? It's not as simple as that!

If you were born in the country your parents are also from and you grow up there and all your relatives live there as well then I don't know that you can understand not having a nationality and you may not realise how much a part of your identity it is, as it has perhaps never been questioned or analysed. The thought of someone not having a nationality, or not needing one, is perhaps slightly confronting. 

But it is about identity, not about passports or places of birth.  If I am filling in a form, I have to fill in Irish, as that's what my passport is, but that is just box-ticking and doesn't inform who I am. Growing up, I did identify myself as Irish. It is natural, particularly for teenagers, to identify yourself as 'the other'. It made sense to me that I must be really Irish as I was definitely foreign in my Dutch school. It was only when I moved to England that it became clear that a huge amount of my assumptions, experiences and habits were, naturally enough, very very Dutch. This was confusing and it was during the summer when I was 19 that I concluded that I wasn't Irish. And I wasn't Dutch. I just let go of the idea that I needed to 'feel' or 'be' any particular nationality - it's just not part of my identity. Obviously aspects of Dutch, Irish and English culture have become part of me; but I felt strongly that I didn't need to attach to one more than the other and was fine with no nationality at all. I was quite happy with that conclusion - it made and still makes complete sense to me.

One important caveat however is football.  I will always support Holland at football - Hup Holland Hup! My Dad assumed I would support Ireland and was very taken aback when he realised I did no such thing.  He is not in much of a position to be cross though - who gave me this cross cultural upbringing after all?

The story continues in my house now as my boys have their English Daddy (who has never never questioned his nationality and loves to wind me up about mine.... 'You're Irish really!') and therefore have 3 teams to be excited about in any sport.  I thought they might explode at times during the European cup last summer!  It did mean there were lots and lots of matches to be excited about. Equally, for the Olympics, it meant we had someone to cheer for in nearly every event. We haven't yet had a big sporting event where 2 of the 3 countries have clashed. That will be where we start to see with which nationality the boys are beginning to identify themselves. Although it's quite possible that this will be based more on the likelihood of sporting success rather than deep emotional connection!

Third Culture Adult

The phrase 'third culture kid' is one I have heard flung about for years, without ever really understanding what it meant. It was never very clear to me what the third culture was; evidently not the culture one lived in, or the culture of one's parents.  This quote finally illuminates for me what was meant and defines something I definitely already knew and absolutely experienced.  So now it comes together and makes sense!

My relationship with this quote is as follows: my parents' culture is Irish - they were both born and bred here and lived here till they were in their mid twenties.  The culture in which my sister and I grew up was Dutch, but included a very strong international element.  We attended an international school until I was 11 and my sister was 8 and there were always kids from all over the world around.  Not sure how that element would be part of the definition, but that was my experience! 

The concept of not having ownership over any culture is absolutely true and I remember in my late teens feeling that I would never feel fully at home in any country.  This actually made me quite angry and I went through a bit of a phase of expressing how much I felt like an outsider in interesting hairstyles and clothes. Of course all teens feel like an outsider and maybe I was quite fortunate in having such a clear focus for the usual angst and insecurities.

When we lived in  Holland, I assumed I was quite Irish. This was simply a conclusion I drew because I didn't really feel Dutch.  When I ended up in England at university, it became clear that I was in fact quite a bit more Dutch than I had ever realised: I turned up on time for everything and was told I was very blunt and direct!

For all that I was born in Holland, I didn't grow up in a Dutch family and I could have lived in Holland for a hundred years and never ever fully understood or learned all the social niceties or linguistic quirks. Things that were completely self evident to my classmates were utterly baffling to me, on a daily basis! I never got the hang of the correct 'the' for each nouns: 'het' or 'de' and was always being corrected. 

Equally, now living in Ireland, but not having been here for my childhood, there are always things that I need to have explained - particularly when it comes to kids tv, with which the Irish, and more particularly the English, are utterly obsessed once you get them talking about it. (There isn't room in this blog, or even the whole internet to talk about how out of step I felt with the English culture when I first lived there!)

The quote rings absolutely true when it comes to the third culture: the sense of belonging comes from links with people in the same situation. Of course all siblings share a unique bond; but I do feel my sister and I have a particularly unique bond. She and I are the only ones that know what is was like to be of Irish parents, living in that part of Holland, in such an international setting. My third culture was shared with her, until I moved to England, and it is a culture of fun, imagination, music and creativity. 

I guess my boys will have their own third culture in amongst a mix of an Irish education, an English Daddy, a throughly confused Mummy, Dutch cousins and learning a smattering of Dutch themselves. If theirs is half as unique and meaningful as Rebecca's and mine, they are going to have a wonderful bond.