I Am A Ham Sandwich

“I am a ham sandwich!”

Although it’s almost 16 years ago, I remember vividly the moment that a pupil proclaimed this in his French oral exam, thinking he was ordering a ham sandwich. At the time I had to stop the tape that was recording the exam as I was laughing too much to continue. But over the past while it’s a phrase that has come to mind in a very different context. 

As I am now 41, my mum is 71 and my eldest son will turn 11 this year. The past 3 years or so have seen my parents cope with a few different situations that herald a new era for them.  My Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, which was initially a real shock. It has taken a long time for all of us, in our own ways, to process what this means, now and as we look ahead to the future. Alongside this, my Mum had surgery on her foot and a recovery time that followed and as I write this, she has been in hospital for the past 5 days after she experienced extreme pain and was discovered to have fractured her kneecap. 

On the one hand, this has been very challenging. I work more or less full time, and, although I can to some extent shape my own schedule, there are various demands on me that I can’t just abandon. Then of course, family life continues: we have just had the usual manic Thursday night run of 2 football training sessions and beaver scouts, with meals eaten in shifts and quick clothes changes in between activities.  There is a big 4th class project due next week and I have ended up knowing far more about frogs, newts and Irish pond life generally than I ever really wanted to as this is being taken as seriously as a PhD thesis by Matthew. Alongside this, Dad has of course needed extra support. He has a great routine, which supports what he needs in terms of his health and fitness post-diagnosis. But there are things he finds challenging now, and it has been a quick learning curve as I discovered how best to be there for him. 

This then is the experience of being the sandwich generation. Around me, friends of a similar age are experiencing this also. I met one of them in the hospital today as I was visiting my Mum. She was there with her Dad and he hasn’t been well at all - we have also met at the football pitch and watched our 10 years olds play on opposing teams. Another close friend whose kids are in my boys’ classes has had to support her Dad through a difficult diagnosis and helped her Mum deal with the ensuing worry and concern. She and I have talked about being the filling in the sandwich - we have agreed we are lean ham!

This has left me a bit tireder than usual, yes and I have felt under some extra pressure. The to do list gets a little bit longer, the Tesco shopping list gets a bit more complicated as you buy things for your folks too and you can end up waiting around hospitals a lot, where your time really is hijacked by the system, such as it is. It has, in many ways, been harder still for my sister, who lives in Holland and is having to get all this info by phone without being able to just jump on a plane to come over, which is all she wants to do! She has her family and their daily lives and her job and can't just abandon ship and be here. It's so frustrating to have all the worry and concern but not be able to be on hand. As we wait to see what happens next, my sister hopes to come over soon to offer her support as the recuperation at home will begin. This will be brilliant as she will be able to be there 100%, whereas I sometimes feel I am dashing about a bit and perhaps not always able to really give the time needed. 

What has emerged  in the main is that my parents have really prepared for this and have put some amazing thought and effort into ensuring that this won’t become a painful transition, full of things we are worried about addressing and not sure how to handle.

Today, in her ward, a social worker came around and talked to all 5 ladies currently occupying the beds. Three of them are heading home to a house with stairs, where there is no toilet on the ground floor and no clarity on how they will be able to cope with this situation. They didn’t know how they would manage food shopping either. Plans will need to be made to ensure they have the right amount of care, but overall, they will be heading home to a situation where their new needs will only be able to be met with great difficulty and potentially at a huge financial cost and worry for their families.

After the social worker talked to my Mum, she sat back and said: ‘I’ve never met anyone like you!’ All her standard questions were met with certain responses - my parents have been putting all kinds of things in place over the past 5 or 6 years to be ready for the natural ageing process, even without extra health issues. Mam was able to reassure the social worker that she will be able to order groceries online or that I can help with that. They converted one bathroom to have a walk in shower years ago and chose their current house to be a bungalow to avoid stairs. In setting up a carers’ support group for other people whose relatives have a Parkinson’s diagnosis, Mam has tapped into all kinds of other knowledge and resources too. For example, an enduring power of attorney has been put in place. It will hopefully never be invoked, but in the event of the unexpected, it should provide much needed clarity and avoid all kinds of arguments and financial complications. 

I am so grateful to my parents, as all of this gives them huge peace of mind, but in fact, is actually an amazing gift to my sister and I and gives us peace as we look ahead. It really makes me so proud that Mam and Dad have been so thoughtful and intentional with all of this. Their golden rule throughout this has been: ‘we have to be able to talk about everything.’ And they do. And then they put in place what needs to be there.

So while I may be having a bit of a sandwich experience in the past week, and this may be a bigger feature over the next years, I know that the thought my folks have put into this will make the difference. I have been able to cut back on one part of work, which has already made a significant difference, especially in the last week. And as the boys get older, things are easier there too - today they let themselves into the house and were fine for the 15 minutes it took me to get home from the hospital.

But it is the open conversation and planning that has come from my parents, that will really made the difference. That doesn’t mean things will be a breeze necessarily, of course and the next season of life will hold unexpected changes and challenges. But I want to conclude by urging you to have that conversation with your parents, if you are anywhere near my age and feeling a bit ‘sandwiched’. I know there may be some parents utterly unwilling to engage with this and feeling fearful about highlighting that the future may be difficult, and I know I am blessed with a family that has always been very open and keen to talk things through. Even with that, it is not an easy subject to broach, but it will be so much easier to talk about it now, than to deal with the complications that could ensue from not having it. Talk. Listen. Plan. Spend time. It's too important a conversation not to have.

The Dishwasher That Didn't Get Fixed

Our dishwasher broke in June. It didn't exactly break - it seems to work fine. It's just that it fuses everything else in the house while it's on. So, we stopped using it. We discussed replacing it or getting it fixed and meanwhile I bought a drying rack for the dishes.

Here we are 7 months later and it is still out of order. But now we are not thinking of replacing it. I actually don't mind washing up at all! It's pretty great to open the kitchen cupboards and find plates and dishes that are where they should be, ready to be used. It was kind of a novel concept for a while and now I am used to it. I don't mind the time spent washing up, it's kind of peaceful, with music on. I will also admit to a bit of Netflix with my laptop perched where I can see it, at minimum safe splash distance. 

I remember getting our very first dishwasher as a kid. It felt like the absolute height of luxury. We had the reached the pinnacle of civilisation and nothing would ever top this! Then as a young married couple we bought a half sized one with some redundancy money Andy got, after he got a new job, I hasten to add. When the boys were babies our full sized dishwasher seemed permanently full of bottles and small fiddly bowls and tiny spoons. And, of course, in true marital rows cliche, according to Andrew, I am hopeless at stacking the dishwasher. He approaches it with a Tetris mindset, whereas I just want the stuff off the kitchen counter and out of sight.

My parents used to highlight washing up in their marriage guidance teaching as a great time to chat, to sort through any disagreements or catch up on each others' days. Also a great time to talk to kids without them feeling trapped in parental spotlights, if there are any little topics that need attention. It's something that has gradually been eroded. Yet the dishwasher doesn't really give you that time back in any constructive way - it creates a new chore, but without the same opportunity for conversation. This isn't meant to be an anti-tech post - there are many labour saving devices in the home that I wouldn't be without for even a week! But the dishwasher? We decided to try and do without.


Mostly Andrew and I have been washing up since then. But this month, our calendar had a specific instruction for us - see above! Better yet, Matthew was very taken with the idea! So, I decided that the boys were old enough to help, without smashing all the crockery. I washed, Matthew dried and Adam put things away, with supervisory guidance for both boys from Andrew to avoid sharp knife or wine glass incidents.

I have memories of many such times as a child - my sister and I used to bicker about who got to put away instead of drying up, as the former seemed like the easier chore somehow. On the other hand, my husband was never asked to do anything in the home, his Mum did all of the chores. This calendar prompt seemed like a good time to start the boys off with a daily chore that is communal and makes them aware that the family team has to work together to get stuff done in the house.

As the calendar was quite strict in demanding dancing and singing, we made a play list for the event and it was great! The boys both got stuck in and it was all surprisingly quick! And it was fun. Adam's bum wiggles while at the cutlery drawer were really quite spectacular and Matthew turned out to be a dab hand with the tea towel.

Although, on reflection,  the inclusion of Jump Around in the playlist may have been a mistake. Firstly, it kind of contradicts one of the other songs, and it also may not be the best accompanying music to primary school children holding plates. But we had beginner's luck, I guess! No breakages... 

It was such a success overall, that yesterday, Adam turned to me eagerly after dinner: 'Mummy, Mummy, can we do that thing where we sing and dance and wash up and clean?' Why, yes, son, we can! What a great idea! He also earnestly suggested few new songs for the list. Meanwhile after breakfast today I started rinsing off the cereal bowls only to be reprimanded sternly that I wasn't playing the washing up music. Matthew pointed this out, while picking up the tea towel, without even being asked to! Yes, really, without being asked. Talk about a parenting win!

This may be a blip and a short term parental windfall. The hope is that the kids will get into the habit during the time they still think of this as fun. The calendar will be there for the whole month and the eldest at least will consider this a strict instruction for the whole of January. The true test will be February! Here's to dry, chapped hands and happy conversations - best trade off ever!

Hats

The main reason that I haven't blogged for over 6 months, is that I have been stretched to the max, busy busy busy. Many days I have felt like a juggler, so many balls in the air - so many things to remember to do, people to call, things to get.  It can be draining! And this busy-ness, the hamster wheel of the to do list, is the theme of this blog.

As of almost exactly a year ago, I became self-employed. In theory, I work about 15 hours a week. Some weeks that is about right, others it's definitely far too low an estimate. And for the most part, this work takes place at home. Alongside this I have the usual housewife stuff to manage: laundry, planning, buying and preparing food, cleaning etc. Then the Mum stuff is there too of course: school runs, lunch boxes, homework, playdates...  The '... ' is there because that list is kind of endless. You don't get to the end of a day and clock off being a Mum!

Multitasking becomes the norm: I send work emails and texts while standing at the school gates, or I catch up on work while I should just be relaxing and watching tv in the evening, or I supervise homework while I am cooking dinner, keeping an eye on my work Facebook account and preparing lunch boxes. 

Many parents, Mums especially, deal with this all the time, every day. Multi-tasking is said to be something females are good at, but there is research out there, which suggests that multitasking endlessly is not remotely efficient and can end up damaging your mental health and causing huge stress. One of the reasons this applies especially to Mums is that many of their tasks are related to or witnessed by others, like the housework. I can see this - if I choose not to complete a work task, I can make allowances. If I don't get the laundry done, there will eventually be naked children and a cross husband.

This isn't meant to be a list of my busy-ness and a 'woe is me' post. But increasingly, it has become clear to me that I am coping, but not thriving, with all of this. I wouldn't say my mental health is suffering, but I can see that there has to be an easier way to get everything done. The biggest pressure comes from the fear that sets in when I worry that I have forgotten something. Perhaps I seem organised as I always have a list on me, but it is constantly being added to, not in a planned way, but as things occur to me, in a mild panic. I get home from dropping the kids to school, stand in the hall and know I have about 25 things to do. How do I decide what happens first? I end up stopping and starting each task and things take longer than they need to, which only adds to the sense of rush and pressure.  It all gets done, but at what cost?

The cost is generally grumpiness and tiredness - most of which is displayed as snappy and impatient retorts to the kids. They are uncomplaining recipients of the downside of all this juggling and I can see that I am missing opportunities to just hang out with them. It's going by so fast - I now live with an 8 year old and a 6 year old - when did that happen? I want them to look back and remember me as fun and approachable, not busy and stressed.

New year, time for a change. I didn't set out to make a big New Year's resolution about this. It has just been dawning on me that I wasn't organised at all in the lead up to Christmas, and it took me about 6 weeks from the end of August to get my head around my boys' schedule once they were back at school. A chat with my Mum on Saturday set a big alarm off in my head about how I am managing and, thankfully, showed me a clear path to fixing this.

I should at this point say that my Mum is amazing! She has developed a great teaching about the busy-ness of life and how to make it all work. It's really all about hats. Yes, hats.

How many hats do you wear? I worked out that I wear 12.  I am a Mum, wife, Slimming World Consultant, friend, church member, housewife, person, daughter, sister, childminder etc, all the way to 12. Incidentally, if you have more than 12 hats, it might be time to rethink things as that's not really sustainable in terms of the burden of time and responsibility required of one person. 

The next step was a pie chart to help me work out what chunk of my time needs to go to each hat. And then I took time to plan out my week, allocating the time I need to each hat over the week. 

This might sound really over the top and silly. And as I am posting it here, it is a very diluted version of the full teaching as my Mum gives it, or even of the conversation we had. But, the main thing is that I have, genuinely, seen an immediate effect. Yesterday, I allocated from 3-5 to spend getting housey stuff ready for the whole back to school rush this morning. At 2:45 Matthew wanted some attention from me. Because I knew I had the time booked, instead of telling him I was busy and had loads to do, I said: 'We can do something together for 15 minutes, what do you want to do?' All he wanted was a chat! He showed me some of what he has made on his Christmas present - it's a kind of computer to teach kids how to do coding and programming - and chatted away. I understood about 3 out of every 10 words, but he was delighted with the attention. And, sadly, it highlighted that I have not been doing this, I have been missing opportunities to spend time with this boy, who will be a teenager before I know it and not looking for time with me in the same way.

This morning I got back from the school run and stood in the hall and had a plan ready to enact. I knew I had 2 hours to really attack the housework. I did so with purpose, gusto and loud music. What motivated me hugely is knowing that at 11, I would head out for me time - and I did. I could have done more housework, cause when is that ever actually finished? But I had planned to have time for me, the person, not the Mum, the consultant, the housewife, the anything, but just Sarah. I had a great walk, came home and had lunch, read and felt fantastic. This afternoon is Mum time and tomorrow is mostly Consultant time. And on Sunday I will need to make a new plan to be who I need to be at the right time throughout next week.

It's early days and this might not last. But so far, I am inspired! My list of jobs didn't get any smaller, but my turmoil shrank considerably and I am excited to start 2015 with a clearer sense of all my tasks and responsibilities. And I've always liked hats - maybe I could wear different one for each role? Or I might just stick with the one that my amazing friend Helen gave me. I have been told it looks a bit Downton on me. You know, maybe that's the actual solution: get servants.

If Anyone Asks, We Are A Nice Normal Family

The first time I blithely agreed to play cards with Andrew and some assorted relatives, I didn't realise I was opening myself up to grave censure and critique. I thought we were going to play cards. But, as it turned out, we were going to Play Cards - something that was done nearly every Sunday and where an enormous amount of unspoken expectations and rules came quietly into play without me knowing this. Probably without anyone else knowing it as well, as they all just had an innate sense of this as 'the normal way' to play cards and 'the way we do things on Sundays'.

It was the first and last time I played cards with any Keenes-in-law or family branches thereof!  Not realising there were sacred rituals involved, I trampled all over them and was looked at aghast, like a cultural outcast, or at the very least, a fairly stupid person. Not that anyone there realised that's how they were looking at me, or how they made me feel! 

Any given family has their own family culture, whether they realise this or not. Values, norms, rituals and traditions are part of any household and shape the members accordingly.  Often you don't realise you are part of a very specific micro culture in your family. I guess kids assume that their family is the same as most others and that the way things are expressed or done in their house is the 'normal' way. Those first few playdates or sleepovers will soon change that...


When you end up in a relationship with someone and meet their family, it's probably the first time you are seeing another family really close up.  I was 19 when Andrew and I started going out and 20 when I first went to stay with his folks for a few nights. He was the same age when he came over to Holland to stay with us that first summer we were together. It's weird to feel quite close to someone and then to see them in their most familiar environment when you are beginning to establish your own mini culture together as a couple. It definitely helped us get to know each other better and understand some of each other's idiosyncrasies and assumptions.

One of my relatives-in-law was a good bit older when he became part of the family. He has opted not to really get to know or stay with anyone. There are some days I think he might have the right idea! On the other hand, it's part of who we all are, our family culture, for good or for bad, whether there was ever an intentional culture or not; or just a sense of 'this is how things are' and you only found out later that this was actually only true in your house.

The games that drove Andrew mad in my family home were all word related: Word and Question, Fold Over and Consquences were big favourites with us and I couldn't wait to introduce him to them. Well, he did NOT enjoy them and was made to feel equally foolish and as much of an outsider as I had with the cards scenario. There is a certain amount of writing and even rhyming in those games that just frustrated him and felt like work rather than a game.

So, very early on in our marriage, we made a solemn pact: he never has to play word games with my family and I never have to play cards with his. I am not saying this is the main reason we have been together for nearly 20 years, but it's definitely helped!

And now we get to create our own family culture! It's one of those things you might not know you have until you hear your kids jabbering away to their friends or their friends' parents and see the confusion and bewilderment on their faces. Then you realise you have normalised something that they now assume is universal, but no one else is really interested in!

A big part of Andrew's family culture is music. Both he and his sister played in the Hampshire County Youth Orchestra and this was a massive part of his teenage years. Play any piece of classical music and Andrew will more than likely have played it in some concert or band or other. When Matthew was born, Andrew's folks both said 'I wonder what he'll play', as one of their very first comments on meeting their grandson. It's a huge value to them, clearly.  Which is why it's exciting that Matthew has just started piano lessons, 5 weeks ago. After a good start, we had a dodgy week, after which I had to sit him down and explain why yawning loudly and incessantly for 30 minutes of the lesson was not very polite and why I was mortified listening in from the corridor. Bless him, he got the message and has been doing really well.

One of my favourite family memories is time spent at the dinner table playing: 'Think of a Question.' Mam and Dad used to ask us all kinds of questions!  Dad would generally go for general knowledge and the news headlines and Mam might get us to list our 5 favourite something or other. Capital cities, prime ministers, historical figures - all part of dinner time.  I remember fun, happy mealtimes, including some where we laughed so much that my sister fell off her chair. There was of course the memorable dessert flinging episode as well...  In my mind, this is linked to family question time; although the spoonful of pudding that my sister flung directly at my dad wasn't actually in answer to a question, it was definitely something that shaped our family culture and has gone down as a key family moment. As has his spoonful chucked right back at her. Ah, memories...

Imagine my delight when I went to collect the boys from a meal at Opa and Oma's house, to find they had been playing 'Hard Questions' at the dinner table. This has very quickly become a ritual whenever they are eating with Opa, especially. There is maths, there is geography, there is football knowledge and there is a load of fun and encouragement. It's brilliant!  The other night, I was blown away by some of the stuff the boys knew, or by watching them work out things they might not have known already. This is a wee culture they have with their grandparents and it is beautiful to see!

As for our family culture, it is partly just an organic process, but also one we need to be intentional in shaping. At the moment, it is drawing heavily on Angry Birds and Star Wars for its cultural references.  I would like to think we can up the standard soon - although I am quite proud to know as much as I do about Piggy Island, Pig Troopers and Ham Solo.