My Brother's Keeper. And Minder. And Boss.

As an older sibling, I am being afforded a new perspective! It is generally very easy for me to relate to my older son, partly as we are very alike in many of our responses and attitudes.  Not to mention habits: it took him 35 minutes to change out of his school uniform today '...cause I found some books I hadn't read for ages.' Yes, I can hear my Mum laughing from here and I now understand how mad I drove her!

Seeing things from Adam's perspective hasn't always been as straightforward for me, partly as he really does march to the beat of his own drum - he's a quirky fella!  But as his Mum, not his sibling, it is now my job to see his side of the story in any given situation or unfolding drama.

We appear to be in a phase of the boys getting on each other's nerves quite a lot. Aged 6, the older guy is often quite happy to read, do puzzles or build lego on his own, whereas the 4 year old is still all about running around and being very very active. There is also a bit of a mania for 'wrestling'.  This tends to start out as fun horseplay and descend very quickly into slapping and tears.  

The older guy has been asserting his superior knowledge of, well, everything, alot recently and I have recognised how he feels as he does this.  Once he has mastered a particular skill or game, it drives him wild to see someone do it 'WRONG'. He is a child who likes things ordered and clear. For example, when asked what he likes in his new class, he replied that he likes that there are weekly captains of each table who hand out the books and other items during the day, instead of the teacher just calling up whoever catches her eye that day. This suits his sense of order.  When he sees his younger brother doing things in a way that he feels is wrong, he is therefore compelled to admonish, correct or lose his mind completely! He can't see that Adam is simply younger and may therefore be less skilled at some particular games or activities.  He certainly can't understand that Adam has a completely different personality and is very likely to want to do things his own way even when he is perfectly able to do things the 'right' way.

This is bringing back many memories of me exerting my superior knowledge and extra 2 years and 4 months of life over my younger sister. What in the pain in the neck I must have been - I would like to take this opportunity to apologise Rebecca!  But, in my defense, as I observe my 2, it is clear that Matthew is not trying to be bossy so much as concerned that Adam doesn't know how to do things 'the right way' and wants to help.  Bless him, he entirely lacks subtlety or the gift of encouragement in expressing this, but I do believe he means well!

Of course Adam doesn't care about the motivation - and I don't blame him.  He just wants to be allowed to do his thing without incessant interference.  So I have to act as referee, while showing Matthew I understand and giving Adam the freedom play his way. Frankly, I think a job at the UN would require less diplomacy and negotiation skills.  

A recent parenting course we did spoke about sibling relationships and how parents should be involved or sometimes step back.  One interesting point the course material made was that their relationship is their own and sometimes parents do need to bow out of the normal bickering and  jostling that goes with being a brother or a sister: it's their relationship and they need to find their own way of getting along together.  Constant parental intervention won't allow them to find their own 'language' and games, as well as stopping them being equipped to resolve their own disagreements and reach compromises.  You can see how these skills will be useful in later life! 

So I don't want to interfere and not allow them the space to be brothers, along with all the expected squabbles and rivalries.  But neither do I want to leave them alone to the point where Matthew bosses Adam incessantly and Adam feels unable to do anything in his own way.  For all that they will have their own relationship, we will have one insufferable child and one stifled one.  So we are back to refereeing, negotiation and diplomacy. 
The one relief is that this will even out over time, as Adam catches up in skills and as they each develop their own distinct and separate interests. For now though, I am thinking of investing in a whistle.