Until Adam that is.
Here is a child who will not be bribed. 'If you don't finish your dinner, you won't get any ice-cream.' 'I don't want any ice cream.' Many kids would back down from this position when they saw their older brother tucking into a bowl of chocolate ice cream with sprinkles. Not Adam. He will quite happily not finish his dinner, not have any ice cream and leave the table and go off and play.
My conclusion with him is that he would rather have the power than the bribe - he wants to be in charge of the situation. He has a very strong personality!
There is definitely a positive side to having a strong willed child - rather than a pushover. Is it wildly optimistic of me to hope that this could have some positive repercussions? In his teenage years, I would like to imagine he would be less easily led and able to stand up for what he believes in rather than go along like a sheep. However, that doesn't necessarily help me now!
The latest scenario in which I had to battle Adam's strong will was that of swimming lessons. He is in the so-called confidence class; where they just get the kids to splash about in the water in order to feel at ease with getting water in their faces etc. After a summer holiday in which both boys more or less lived in the swimming pool, we thought it was the perfect time for lessons, and indeed Matthew is flying along in his class. Adam was fine for the first class and I was therefore completely unprepared for the hysterical crying that suddenly erupted as we walked to the learner pool for the second class. He was really very very upset and very unwilling to even try. He spent a bit of time in the pool, but I had to wait by the side for most of it, which I wasn't really supposed to do.
During the week that followed, we took him swimming as a family where he had a great time splashing about with no fear or concern. We also talked a lot about the lessons and tried to get to the bottom of what he didn't like. But his responses were a bit inconsistent and bewildering. So, I went for the bribery option: Moshi Monsters. (No, no idea either...) I also set up a playdate with a boy in the class whose Mum I recognised as a friend of a friend. (I more or less accosted her by text and she was gracious enough to invite us round to play with her son, which was really very nice of her.)
The day of the third class dawns and the first words out of Adam's mouth as he wakes are: 'I don't want to do swimming.' Sigh. I was really dreading it! I told him about the Moshi Monsters he would get: 'I don't want them!' And there was a huge amount of crying at the pool and he eventually got into the pool for the second half of the lesson, but refused to take part in the activities. So I gave him one of the Moshis in the pack as he had only been in for half the lesson...
In case I am sounding like a heartless Mum for insisting he got in the pool if he didn't want to: I knew he really wasn't afraid of the water, he said he liked his teacher and I was there the whole time. And we have already paid for the term... And I don't want to have a kid who learns that throwing a wobbler gets him out of things he doesn't want to do. But if I really thought he was genuinely traumatised I would of course have changed my approach.
Ok, defense of me over.
Week 4. New bribe in bag: football cards, which are already being collected by both boys. 'I don't want them!' The crying started and the new development was the fighting - he wouldn't even stand up to walk to the pool and was really wrestling me. This is all, of course, happening under the interested gaze of many other parents, presumably all thinking :'Thanks God that's not me!'
I decided a new approach was needed and I got down on his eye level and said, firmly: 'We are not going home until you have got in the pool.' I am not sure how my tone communicated this, but he absolutely knew that I meant it, and that I was finished pleading, bribing and cajoling. He got up, walked to the pool and got in and stayed in for the whole class.
It was a real light bulb moment for me! I never used to understand why people talked about getting to know your baby or your child. Surely you decide what kind of a parent you are gong to be and they have to fit in with that? Well, to a point... But it's also about understanding what makes them tick - what each individual child responds to. My older boy will respond to the promise of treats or the withholding of same. It is clear that Adam will not and that he needs to be shown, unequivocally, who holds the power in a situation. I don't mean that I have to learn how to bully him. Just that I have to communicate to him that he is not in charge and I am and that he must do as I say, for no other reason than that I am the parent. I am glad I figured this out when he was 4 and not 14 and I hope I am able to find that authoritative (not authoritarian) tone again - next time I need to. We'll see how week 5 goes!
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