Pea Shooters and Curtain Material: The 'Perfect' Wedding

Today is our 15th Anniversary.  In many ways this has flown by and I can remember July 25th 1998 like it was yesterday! But on the other hand, so much has happened in those years and we have both grown and changed so much as well.  We are completely different people really. The pictures show what people around us saw at the time, but I didn't: we were SO young! But here we are 15 years later, still happy, still married, still in love.

At the time I had just graduated from University, literally a few days before the wedding, in fact. I was about to go on for one more year of study; teacher training. Andrew had worked for 2 years. During the time that I was doing my final exams, we were completing the wedding details and also buying our first house. So for the actual wedding, we had no big savings account or massive budget.

In Ireland today, despite the recession, the austerity measures and all the accompanying woes and misery, the average cost of a wedding has actually risen! This is according to a 2012 article I read, which puts the number at 21000-ish Euro. Twenty One Grand? Wow!  The 3 biggest costs are generally the venue, the honeymoon and the wedding party's clothes, at over 6 grand, over 3 grand and over 2 grand respectively. Not unrelated to this is the fact that the average age to get married in Ireland at the moment is in fact 33, a full ten years older than Andrew was at our wedding. This may account for some of these figures - I guess you can do a lot of saving in those extra years! I should say at this point, that I would absolutely not criticise how anyone chose to spend their money or what they wanted their dream day to include. It's a day people plan for so long and it is a unique occasion for every couple. 

Over twenty thousand Euro though, that is a LOT of money. Having said that, if you go on to Pinterest and do a search for Weddings, there are an unbelievable amount of ways to get through 21 grand and more, easily! Embellished Vintage Heels anyone? Or a Rustic Distressed Chalkboard Sign for $100 telling people to grab a drink while they wait for the couple? Personalised Wine Sets as the Wedding Favours? This is just the tiniest glimpse of the multitude of ideas on Pinterest - google Pinterest Weddings when you have some time to spare, like 5 hours.

Many of the ideas are actually very cute and some of them are cost saving ones also.  But they are often hugely elaborate as well: ideas for cute photos with your bridesmaids (of which there generally seem to be at least 6 in the pictures) before the wedding, customising the bridal shower, super creative and unique invitations. Of course, none of these things are necessarily silly or bad!  And some of them are brilliant and very fun ideas. But the pressure to have this perfect day and capture all these perfect moments, with perfect hair, just seems immense.  If I was a bride-to-be now, I think I would find Pinterest overwhelming and very intimidating. 

In our case, we didn't have a bean. We hadn't been living together yet and any money we did have was going towards the house really. I don't remember exactly what it all cost and who paid what, but I do know we cut a few corners and spent as little as possible.

So, the dress and the suit: The best man wore his own suit. Andy got a suit from M and S. We got my sister's bridesmaid dress on sale in Debenhams, for about 20 pounds, if memory serves and I guess she wore her own shoes.

I was in Germany for the third year of my degree when I got engaged. At the end of the summer term, my parents picked me up and we drove to Switzerland to visit a friend. I hadn't yet really thought much about the logistics or cost of getting a dress, apart from the usual daydreaming and sketching that every woman, if she is being honest, will tell you she has done since she was 6. I was chatting to our hostess and she told me she had bought material for curtains in Thailand, but it hadn't turned out to be right for the purpose. Perhaps I would like to have the material for my wedding dress?

Um, curtain material for my wedding dress? I stayed polite and said that was very kind and I would love to see it. Well, she appeared with a roll of cream raw silk and just gave me the whole lot. It was stunning! Once I was back in England for my final year, I found a dressmaker, drew her a basic sketch and the whole thing was done for 200 pounds sterling. Mind you, I did have to argue with the dressmaker, who wanted me to wear a hoop and who wasn't at all pleased when I had her take out a whole layer of petticoats.  She might have been happier working for the dressmaker in My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding...

The car: Andrew's fiesta was the carriage for the day!  Not very glamorous, but completely fine!  Andrew's uncle was the photographer; he did a fantastic job. And the pictures were taken in his Grandma's beautiful garden.

The cake: my Mum made it!  And iced it, and decorated it with flowers, which we got alongside my bouquet on the Wedding Day. It looked amazing - and she loved doing it! Especially as she had been in a different country for most of the lead up, so this was a way for her to be a big part of the day in the end.

Our main costs were the venue, the food, the DJ and the flowers. One important cost was also the peashooters.  Yes, really. We had been to a few charity balls together and they always had these colourful tubes on the table and pint glasses full of small balls.  Andrew was eager to have these at our wedding, and they were loads of fun! It took some people a while to work out what they were for, but once they did, all hell broke lose! In the end my Dad had to stand up and get people to stop so the food could be served. Friends of my parents mentioned this to me the other week as a memory they have of the day, so it made an impression! Mind you, I don't think I've seen this on Pinterest...

It was a great day. Not a picture perfect, super glamorous, Pinterest worthy day perhaps, but a very very happy one! We were absolutely blessed with the weather, the service was lovely, the speeches were witty, the food was nice... And then: the honeymoon. Friends of my parents offered us their little cottage in Yorkshire, for free.  It was such a perfect gift from them and we had a wonderful week.

So I look back on a happy day. I don't think it could have been any happier, had we spent an extra 15 grand on it! And here we are 15 years later and ultimately it doesn't matter what car we drove or whether I really did have a dress made of curtain material - none of those things make for a happy marriage in the end. That comes through love, communication, trust and effort. And while we didn't have a massive wedding budget, so far, we've never been short of any of those assets.

Lurkers, Likers and Other Facebook Species

So, Facebook. At this point, most people are on it, aren't they? Not everyone, admittedly.  Like, not my Dad. But I think he would actually enjoy Facebook, as a Lurker/Liker (see further down). But almost everyone else.  At this stage many people not on Facebook, are virulently anti-Facebook. Like a lady I recently asked. She is someone who I see as a potential friend, but we don't get to see much of each other. Perfect for a Facebook link, surely... We can get glimpses of each other's lives and comment and share accordingly. But her response when I asked if she was on Facebook was almost comical! You would have been forgiven for thinking I had asked her if she regularly took cocaine. 'No!' she exclaimed in horror, 'and I never will be!' 

It never ceases to amaze me how radio stories or newspaper columns which mention social media seem to be hosted or written by people who have no clue about it! They often imply that you are opening yourself up to having your whole life exposed and your security compromised by using it. If you based your view of Facebook on the news, and had no other experience with it, you would probably think it was for folk who liked connecting with hundreds of people they didn't actually know in real life, giving a wildly unrealistic impression of their daily lives and engaging in a fair amount of cyber-bullying. And getting fired all the time for posting things about their job. Yes, of course all those things do happen, but in a limited way, surely, and only because Facebook can't prevent stupid people from using its services.

I recently read an article which asked the question if social media is leading to further isolation of people, or in fact, lessening this isolation. One quote which really struck a chord with me was comparing someone's perception of social media with that of tv: '... if all you watch is reality TV, you might come to the conclusion that it’s a shallow form of media. But if you change the channel, there’s the History Channel or the Discovery Channel, and all of a sudden your perception is very different.' (http://www.usatodayeducate.com/staging/index.php/campuslife/social-media-doesnt-mean-social-isolation) That is a brilliant example! Just like with tv, social media is as good or as bad as the people consuming it.

Well, I am a huge fan. I have found Facebook a brilliant addition to other socialising. Not a replacement, but a great extra. I am in touch with people that I do know in real life, absolutely. But these are in many cases people I used to work with or went to university with. I wouldn't get to see them often and wouldn't be likely to email or phone them. But I love seeing what they are doing in their lives and being connected with them. In one case, this is someone I have never actually met.  But she is a friend of a friend, and in an online discussion of books, it became apparent that we have a ridiculous amount of tastes and thoughts in common. With the notable exceptions of sewing and the Tour de France. I feel like I could meet her for a coffee, which makes her pretty much a genuine friend, even if we haven't officially met.  Except it would almost certainly end up being lunch and dinner as well.

It is fascinating to me how people use Facebook differently! I think it's safe to say that some people are very good at Facebook. The friend I have who is one of the best at it is someone I last spent time with as a teenager, when we both lived in Holland. Now she lives in Philadelphia and I live in Ireland. Yet I see pictures of her kids almost every day and laugh out loud (but only using the 'lol' acronym ironically of course) at their brilliant phrases and jokes. I love that we can keep in touch so easily! She posts a lot, but not too much - as the content is generally witty, well phrased and real. She is SWGF: Someone Who Gets Facebook. 

Here are a few other users:
The Lurker: I have quite a few friends who I just assume don't bother to log on and check their posts, ever. That is, until I meet them in a different context, and they say: 'Oh, how did Matthew get on at his goalie camp?' Or 'Your holiday looked terrific!' and it turns out they read absolutely every last post but never ever comment on anything. Or even like anything.

The Liker: They share certain Lurker characteristics - they rarely post anything themselves, but enjoy reading what others share. The difference is that they join in to an extent, by liking things they have found good.  I am not sure why they never post anything themselves, but at least they aren't hiding, like the Lurkers.

A sub-species is the Periodic Liker. This is someone who is only ever on Facebook every 14 days or so and then has a frenzy of liking all kinds of things that have happened in that time. You suddenly get a mad influx of notifications, all from one person liking things you posted ages ago. I have a friend who does this - she has two very young kids and I guess she just literally doesn't have the head space or time to check Facebook very often, however she does like updating herself with what is happening, but in catch up mode.

Another sub-species to the Liker is the Gullible Liker. This is someone who likes all kinds of crap. You know the posts I mean: 'Like this if you think bullying is A Bad Thing.' 'I know only 10% of my friends will bother to read this, so Like this to show that you are one of the good people in life and that you think flowers are nice.' Or something. You know the kind of stuff...  I personally don't understand how anyone could think that liking something on a website will end world hunger or child abuse or whatever. Maybe I am missing something! Some of these are funny, see below, but I think we can all agree that there is an awful lot of dross out there!

Of course even worse than the Gullible Liker is the Gullible Sharer - less is more sometimes! But then I guess it depends what you are in to and someone else's dross is my amusement and vice versa... Perhaps half of those on my friends list have limited what they see from me cause they think I share and post way too much rubbish. But here's the thing - more power to them! It's so easy to change settings and vary what you see from people that I guess it doesn't really matter what they like or share. 

 A personal bugbear of mine is the Text Speak Poster. This is someone who hasn't quite worked out that phones no longer limit you to a tiny amount of characters and that No1 txts like dis NEmor unless dey R well over 40.  Never mind posts like this on Facebook. Please stop.

So who are you on Facebook? A Lurker? A Liker? A Periodic or a Gullible Liker? A Gullible Sharer? A Text Speak Poster? Or, as I am sure you all are, or hope you are at any rate: SWGF. 

Have I missed any categories? And can we all agree that the first picture below is cute, but the second one is genius?

Summer Poem

Came across this today. I think it's a good summary of how the whole country feels in this glorious and entirely novel weather.

Sunshine!

Helium in my head,
I'm high on sunshine,
Winter has fled!
To be pickled in brine.

Let's get our pollen fix!
And watch the flowers grow,
It's time to be hippy chicks,
To go with the flow.

I want to float in the sky,
Somersault in the clouds,
Take my hand and we'll fly!
This addiction is loud,

Scream of green life explosion,
Whisper of soft balmy nights,
Join the winter erosion,
Usher in the dizzy heights

Of poetry, wine and sun,
I like me this way.
Come on, it's begun! 
Let's jump into the day!

Screen Sanity

After a few days on our holiday in France, Adam came to me looking sad. 'I miss our house in Ireland...' Before I had a chance to feel kind of touched by his sweetness, he followed this up with: '...because I want to play FIFA on the Wii.' Right. There we were in a beautiful campsite, on a gorgeous sunny day, about to set off for a day at a stunning lake, and he wanted to play fake, indoor, computerised football.

Both boys now have the requisite level of dexterity needed for quite a few computer games and love playing FIFA or bowling on the Wii. They also constantly demand time on the iPad or on our phones to play Angry Birds, Minecraft or a random succession of racing games. 
On a busy day, when I am tired or when I am trying to get something done, it is very easy to just say yes, and guarantee myself some peace as they are quite self sufficient when playing these. The house goes quiet apart from the electronic beeping and chirping. It's bliss! And then you realise that they have been quiet for over an hour and that they have been slumped over the iPad firing birds at pigs or gaining a completely false idea of their bowling prowess by getting strike after strike by accurately flicking their wrists. If they then have a bit of tv time as well, and you then add up all the time they have been looking at a screen, it can be fairly alarming.

Cue parental guilt and the inevitable overcompensating: nature walks and baking. Not that these aren't brilliant things to do. But the kids could also just play with their toys, read a book or use their imagination when building a fort. Some time ago I began to realise that my kids expected to be entertained, by something I had organised or by a screen: tv or otherwise.

On a parenting course we took last year, there was a section on how much screen time kids get. On the dvd, a range of experts spoke about this and expressed concern at how much tv kids were watching nowadays and discussed the amount of time that was considered acceptable.  Dr Aric Sigman had a lot to say about this; in fact if you google his name, quite a few articles on this topic come up. He stated that kids of a young age, like my two, should spend no more than an hour, and preferably less, watching tv. In fact, he said that children under 3, should not watch any tv.

One of the interesting things he explained, was the danger of a child coming to understand the world virtually, before they experienced it genuinely. It is much healthier for a child to have a new experience for themselves, such as going to the beach, or going to a birthday party, before they see a version of this in a cartoon.  Of course there are things they may only ever see on tv, like outer space or the Great Wall of China. But in terms of everyday life, it is much better for them to do things for themselves before they have a version of it in their minds that is fictionalised and probably American and will therefore not really correspond to their eventual experience. (I am extrapolating somewhat from Dr Sigman, as I apply this to my kids, at their ages and stages.)

In conjunction with this, he said that many kids were no longer left to their own devices, to just 'play', in the purest sense of the word. He states that it is very important for kids' imaginations that they are left, with no input from adults, and no organised activities, to just choose their own form of play and begin to make up their own fun.

This made a lot of sense to me when I heard it. Although, I don't know how realistic it is for kids under 3 to watch no tv. It certainly helped a great deal when I had a very young toddler and a newborn baby, that I could put on cbeebies and have a bit of space for ten minutes while the baby napped. However, I certainly agree with him that it is far too easy to ratchet up the screen time, especially when computer time is added to tv, and that kids generally spend too much time just gazing passively. And I know I can be overly concerned about the kids getting bored and organise too many play dates and activities to avoid this , giving them little time to just mooch and find their own fun. So, how to implement all of this?

Here's one thing that worked: I tried to get as late in the day as possible before we turned the tv on.  On a good day, this was after dinner.  But there were days when there was a sick child, or endless rain or a frazzled me, when this was just not feasible and a movie was the best option for general sanity and harmony.

Here's something that didn't work: having a general sense that the kids were best limited on computer time, but not really timing it throughout the day. The result: endless whining and grousing and Mummy being a policeman and constantly saying no and being seen as very mean and unfair. If the kids play this one right, they can actually get a lot of screen time, if they reach the whining tipping point where Mummy would agree to almost anything if they would just STOP WHINING. Cue more guilt. Not a happy house.

So, here's what we came up with to resolve this whole issue: 

This chart has been a real winner with everyone.  Here's how it works.  Each boy is allowed 45 minutes per day of screen time, which will entail computer, Wii, iPad, phone and even Matthew's little camera that has games on it. There is a further 45 minutes of tv time available; the bottom white line for each boy.  It is completely up to them how they spend this time, and 'spend' is the operative word.  As I had hoped, they treat the 45 minutes like credit and run it down. They plan how to use the time, and have been really positive towards this. There are little pictures of every available device and they all have velcro on their reverse, which is what the white time line of the chart is also made of. The boys play on whatever they choose, having planned before hand what they will do and for how long. The key tool here is the oven timer. 

Example: Adam decides he will play on the Wii - he knows he wants to play two matches on FIFA and decides to allocate 20 minutes to this.  The oven timer is set and play commences.  The oven beeps and he stops.  They have both been surprisingly good about stopping play when their time is up.  Having their sibling keep them in check is useful! They can of course play on, but in the knowledge that they are losing more time on the chart. Then they choose the correct picture, place it on the timeline and, job done.

It is generally working out that they are spending half an hour each on the Wii in the mornings, maybe 5 minutes on the iPad later and then choosing to save their remaining ten minutes for Daddy's phone, which has a cool new race car game.  They are really learning to plan their time and delay their gratification in this way and I have been impressed by how they have stuck to this and been completely accountable to it.

The tv one is easier to monitor as our home made system is not easy to use and they generally need me to turn the whole thing on for them. Incidentally, we have put in place a caveat with the 45 daily minutes allocated to tv and that is sports.  They are such enthusiastic sports watchers!  There are no glazed over eyes or couch potato positions when sports are on.  Both boys are generally commenting avidly throughout, asking endless questions, and often charging out to the hall or garden to recreate the goal, try or lap they have just seen. So we felt this was a different kind of viewing, and limiting it wasn't as necessary.


When they have used up their screen time, that is that. No negotiation.  The exceptions to this would be a hospital visit, travel or something similar. Then what? I am much more hands off now when suggesting what they do next.  They have started to drift off and play brilliantly with random toys, and I have overheard great race commentaries as Adam lines up his cars or been suddenly confronted with 'Mr Neymar', one of the boys in a cunning disguise, who has decided to visit us. If they do get bored, then there is always the 'I'm Bored Jar'.  I can't take credit for this, but you can read about it here: http://sarahkeene.blogspot.ie/search/label/%27I%27m%20Bored%27%20Jar

As for me, I am just so relieved not to be the bad cop all day long!  Everyone knows the limits and has full control over how they use them, so I am not having to say no any more - there is a visual cue in the hall, and no need to ask. The only thing I still check is that they are accurately placing the pictures on the chart and of course that the games they are playing are ones I am ok with. 

A bonus: they can also lose viewing or gaming time through bad behaviour. Warning them of this is generally very effective and will usually curtail whatever naughtiness is happening. 

One reason this is all working so well is that they are very young and we are still in control of the games they are choosing and the programmes they watch.  Of course as they get older, they will push against this, have their own laptops etc and this will have to be dealt with differently as they change, want to start using Social Media, having their own phones and so on. If I can help it, they will never have their own tvs; we will never have more than one tv in the house in fact. But of course this means less and less as viewing is increasingly done through Netflix, youtube etc. 

In the main however, I would like to think we are at least putting good practises in place and teaching them not to just be screen robots. It's a big issue for this new generation - they are surrounded by gadgets and see adults on them all the time. And here is the challenge for me - it's all very well making this fancy chart for them , but what am I modelling to them at the same time? This is an ongoing thought process and I will no doubt report back on it in due course...

If Music Be The Way To Get Your Child To Eat, Play On...

Apparently 1 in 4 Irish primary school children is overweight or obese. As I look around my son's school, I don't see that reflected in the kids in the playground. There are really very few kids who seem to be to be overweight, maybe 1 or 2 per class. And no one I would describe as obese, although I know the technical medical definition for this is actually surprisingly lower than most people might think. So there must be some schools where about half or even two thirds of kids are overweight. 

We definitely do not have a childhood obesity crisis in our house - more of a 'pleeeeeeeaaaaase eeeeeeeaaaat' crisis.  When it comes to one of the boys anyway...  An example: this evening, Matthew asked for seconds after he quickly demolished a bowl of pasta bolognese. After the two bowls, he devoured a big yoghurt and skipped off merrily to play in the garden. Meanwhile, Adam was languishing on the other side of the table, listlessly poking at individual pieces of pasta. Eventually, he consented to eat 6 spoonfuls of his meal and didn't want a yoghurt or anything else for dessert.

The battle to get Adam to eat has been dragging on now for far too long and has been very very frustrating. I had really hoped he would have snapped out of it by now. 

Matthew was a terrible eater for a long time and I tied myself in knots getting enough food into him.  I learned the hard way that you really can't make a child eat what their stomach tells them they don't want. One evening I really lost it and nagged the food into him. The result was not pretty - he promptly threw up. Nice. When he was about 3 and a half, he just started eating and has barely stopped since.

I was much more relaxed about Adam's poor eating as I assumed he too would snap out of it and I didn't want a repeat of the vomit scenario. So we got to 3 and a half and Andrew and I watched him expecting the 'ta da' moment as he happily started eating. Then we passed 4, still no voluntary eating, unless you count crisps. He is now almost 5 and that 'ta da' moment is still but a hope...

Plenty of people have told me to relax and that he looks fine and that he will eat when he decides to.  However, in Adam's case, we don't really have the option to wait and see when he decides he has an appetite. As he has growth hormone deficiency, it is extra important that he eats in order to allow his medication to do its job. This was made evident when we were at a recent growth check up.  These take place every three months.  He had grown, but much less than any previous visits. And he had lost weight. The doctor was concerned enough to order blood tests to rule out any other causes, but I knew it was just that he doesn't want to eat, doesn't seem to enjoy food at all, doesn't even want desserts and seems to be incredibly active and healthy with very very little food. Except for his growth, which is clearly impeded by his lack of eating.

So, here began a series of all kinds of ploys and incentives to get the child to EAT. Adam is a very very strong willed, quirky and determined individual, who is not easy to persuade to do something he doesn't want to do. Of course, with parental authority, we could have just insisted rigourously that he eat every meal, but I also want him to learn to enjoy food and to know what is a good diet. The trick was to maintain healthy eating and resist the temptation to pump him full of saturated fats, thereby upping his weight, yes, but making him a good candidate to become a statistic in later life. So, three square meals, healthy snacks - here we go:

Reward charts, threats, bribes, setting the oven timer as a deadline...  All fairly exhausting, and all had some success, except for the oven timer. This led to him eating nothing for the first 19 minutes, ramming it all in in a panic in the last 60 seconds, and then, yes, more vomit. 

Then, unexpectedly, the best incentive yet...  We have been playing all kinds of tunes from Spotify, mostly in the kitchen and mostly very very loudly. One morning I chose a song I like, which the boys were getting sick of. Adam was dawdling over his bowl of yoghurt, which was part of his breakfast. He asked to choose his own song. Without really thinking, I said he could choose a song, once he had finished his yoghurt.  Well, I never saw him eat so quickly and so well!  Then he skipped over to the the iPad and chose his song and had a good little dance around the kitchen.  

This was repeated for several meals and has had a great impact!  Meanwhile, the hard work has paid off, as his last growth check up showed that his weight was up and his growth rate back on track. It is great to have found a way to tap into his enthusiasm for something completely different, music,  in order to try to get him to eat. I am not using this with every meal for fear of music fatigue and although I know it will have a limited shelf life, and we will have to come up with a new and creative way to motivate him to finish his meals, for now, it is making for a happier, and fairly noisy Keene kitchen.

Fundraising For Book Worms

Fundraising for charity can be tricky!  Not a week goes by, but there is a knock at our door and a gaggle of kids clustered behind one child who is asking for sponsorship for a walk or a readathon or similar. I make a point of asking them what the money is for and they often answer with the event, the walk or the run or whatever, or the name of the school or club they are linked to. 'No,' I say, 'is the money going to a charity? Which one?' Cue baffled kids looking at the bit of paper they have for me to sign. We usually get there!

One friend I have recently made has taken to fundraising with a zeal that has really impressed me. I met Caroline in Dublin, during the time that her daughter Seren was in the ICU in Crumlin Children's Hospital in Dublin. Seren was born with a very complex heart condition, which meant that she had already undergone several complex surgeries, despite being a few weeks old. Sadly, one of those surgeries proved too much for her body to handle, and she passed away in January, when she was just over 12 weeks old.

Since then, Caroline has set up the Seren Joan Memorial Fund (https://www.facebook.com/groups/SerenJoanBoylan/) and has connected with a huge amount of people to look for ways to raise money in Seren's memory, all of which goes to Crumlin Children's Hopsital. She recently took part in the mini marathon in Dublin, along with about 90 other women, which raised over 10 grand! TEN GRAND! Wow! Other events that have come on board have been: coffee mornings, a weight loss challenge, a golf tournament and a tropical party night. 
I had been mulling over the idea of holding a book swap for ages and Caroline inspired me to make it happen and to use it to raise money for Seren's fund. It was a great night and so far we have raised over 300 Euro.  Not exactly matching the 10 thousand from the marathon, but, as they say, every little helps!   Holding a Book Swap is really very straightforward, so here's a quick How To Guide in ten steps:

1. The Books. Have your house painted. The inside that is. This will make you take all your books off the bookshelves in order to move them and, once you have stopped sneezing from all the dust, be ruthless in sorting through them. The key questions: 'Am I likely to ever read this again?' 'Has anything from this book stayed with me?' If the answer is no, put the book aside. Accumulate a nice pile of discarded books and wonder what to do with them.

2.   The Place. Have a friend who likes reading, with a nice house, with room to hold an event. Preferably with rooms that open out into each other. She will also need a decent sized dining room table and a separate smaller table for children's books. (Garden furniture optional for the children's books.) Be nice to this friend and talk her into holding the Book Swap. 

3. The Date. Pick a date. Preferably a weekend evening so people can stay late-ish. You will find that people will browse through the books 3 or 4 times, picking up a few each time, so you want it to be a social occasion where they hang out and relax and keep wandering back to the books with a glass of wine in their hand and crisps nearby. You don't want them to pop in for 5 minutes and leave with only 2 novels and a recipe book. The aim is to have to help them carry their books to the car, as they have so many to take home.

4.  The Invitation. Get the word out!  Be very clear in your communication on a few key points: Bring books. On the night the books will cost money, set price of: whatever. (We opted for 2 Euro per book.) This is fundraising for this specific charity: whichever. 
You can learn from our mistake on this one - we didn't ask folks to RSVP and have been uncertain all week about who would come and therefore unsure of numbers. This has been tricky in terms of catering and planning. It worked out very well in the end, but was stressful in the lead up! As the main point is fundraising - ask folks to bring their book worm friends with them. The invitations need to be welcoming to all, as opposed to excluding people you didn't happen to get an invitation to.
I also sent out a big text, inviting a bunch of other local friends I knew I might not see in time to chat to.
People who can't come can still give you their old books and they can also donate if they want to!  But they need to know about both opportunities...  Texting, Facebook and chats at the school gate is the way to go here.  After the night, I texted loads of people who had expressed an interest but not been able to come. I let them know how much we raised and thanked them for their support and offered them the chance to still give.  I got a lot more donations that way, which was terrific. People really are incredibly generous.

5.  The Catering. You can either go for dessert and coffee, or wine and nibbles.  We kind of went for both and it worked well!  We probably over-catered in the end as there was a lot left. We included a line on the invitation, asking anyone who was willing to bake to send me a text. About 2 people did.  So I just ended up asking a few people if they could bake or buy some crisps and nuts to bring. Next time, I would just do that and not bother waiting to hear back from people.

6. The Set Up. Having co-run 2 of these, it works best if the books and the food are near-ish to each other so people can nibble treats and keep sidling up to the books. It's also a good idea to have a seating area with crisps etc a bit separate as people gradually drift away from the books and start chatting. Kitchen - food. Dining Table - books. Living Room - chat. The open planned house as mentioned earlier is great for this as it keeps people moving around easily and interacting with all parts of the evening.

7. The Money. Best to be discreet on this one, but not so discreet that people forget to donate! We put a tupperware tub in the middle of the table of books and there was money in it from the start to indicate what its purpose was.  People were generally overly generous and gave more than their haul's worth. But I certainly wasn't checking what was put in relative to the books people left with. 

8. The Night Itself. Get to your nice friend's house early to help set up. NB: this does not mean taking all the good books and concealing them for yourself! In fact, as the host(ess) you need to assume you will not really get to the books until much later as you will be busy getting coffee and unloading other people's books on the table. So accept that you will perhaps miss out on some of the books you liked the look of, try to see who got them so you can borrow them another time, and put the kettle on.
Apart from separating children's and adults books, there is no real need to group the books. We did try to put all books by the same author together a bit, or multiple copies of the same book. But by the time 2 or 3 people have looked through the books and passed titles to each other, they will be muddled. And people will be arriving with new books all the time. As long as it's a 4 sided table and there is space to stand and pick up books, people will be able to see them all. 
One important thing: it's handy if your nice friend has a nice husband who makes a mellow and appealing playlist for the night; this sets a lovely tone and atmosphere for the night.
If you are a keen reader, it's a brilliant night. You get to recommend books and chat about them and get other people excited about books you have enjoyed. With cake. 

9. The Follow Up. It's really important to let folks know how much money you raised.  I plan to post a few pictures too, including one of the money being given to Caroline. We used Facebook and Text to thank people and let them know what we raised.

10. The Leftover Books. You need to have a plan beforehand, as you will be left with books at the end of the evening, as really NO ONE wants a book on Wine Tasting or a schooldays copy of As You Like It. We were lucky; our church fete was on the next day, so a load of books went into my car for that. Another friend had a charity collection of books at work later in the week, so she took a box. The rest, we parcelled into a few bags and on Monday we plan to go round all the local charity shops and donate to each of them. 

A few final tips: 
Have empty bags or boxes to hand for people to bring their books home. 
Next time I would consider the possibility of adding DVDs to the list, setting their price slightly higher than the books, I imagine. But don't accept videos, as many charity shops won't accept them any more and you will be stuck with them. 
I would not recommend adding clothes to the mix - this is really a very different kind of evening.  You don't have to try books or dvds on, and you can go home happy without feeling that you are too fat to read that book you really liked...  No mirrors needed either, to see if you would suit that book with the nice cover. 
I think it would be an awful lot of work to try to hold this on your own. It has worked really well for me, organising with one other friend each time. You can each play to your strengths and share out the logisitical bits and pieces.

Overall, I recommend it as a very fun way to raise a bit of money, especially if you are a keen reader. Don't expect to raise thousands, but expect to have a great time. I love the way that even getting rid of the leftover books benefits charities, it's such a simple event with great results like this. I came home with 5 new books and 4 new Mr Men books for the boys - a great haul!

 There is an alternative to all of this of course:  I could have opted not to have my house painted, given the money that would have cost me to charity, thereby circumventing all of the above. But I wouldn't have any new books...

Fat, Sick and Hungry for Change

I recently watched 2 documentaries/films on Netflix: Hungry for Change and the brilliantly titled Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. They are both about health, food and weight and I found them absolutely fascinating.

Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead is about an Australian guy called Joe Cross who suffered for years with an illness that resulted in him taking very strong steroids every day. At the start of the film, he is 41, overweight, unfit and unhealthy.  Having tried all kinds of conventional and alternative healing options, he decides that he needs to let his body heal itself.  But first he must change how he eats, give his body 60 days to cleanse itself and then see to what extent he can come off his medication and if his illness will be manageable without pills and potions.

It's worth saying at this point that he does all this under the supervision of a doctor. So he is pronounced fit to eat no food for 60 days and instead simply drink juice.  Juice which he prepares himself with a fancy juicer and boxes of fresh fruit and vegetables, including a massive amount of kale. He spends this 60 days in America, in New York and then travelling around, with the juicer in his boot, hooked up to a portable battery.  He is a very gregarious character and chats to all kinds of people about having only juice, about why he is doing this and about their health.  This gives rise to some jaw-dropping conversations, with people who are unbelievably honest about their health and their weight and their intention to effectively keep eating badly even though they know it will shorten their life spans. He talks to people everywhere, more or less accosting them, but in a very friendly way, and at one point meets a huge guy in a truck stop in Arizona, who has the same medical condition.  Much of this chat and interaction takes place in fast food joints or restaurants and you can't help but feel sorry for Joe, surrounded by big American portions of ribs, chips, burgers and cake, while he sips on his juice. 

However, he is changing before your eyes as the days are counted off.  So, the 60 days finishes, he has lost massive amounts of weight and heads back home, having come off all his medication and still in good health. At this point, I realised there was about half the film left to go, and I couldn't work out how they were going to fill the rest of it! Then something unexpected happened and it was just amazing...  I won't give it away!  I highly recommend this movie - it is well made, thought provoking and funny in places.

And it made me think about the idea of cleansing and juicing and then afterwards restricting your diet to mostly micro nutrient foods - effectively turning the food pyramid upside down. Extreme? Yes, absolutely. Fascinating nonetheless, and it stayed with me.
Then Netflix, as it does, decided I like films about fat people and food and suggested Hungry for Change.  This turned out to be a documentary about the food industry - the diet food industry in particular - and how deceptive and damaging it is.  There was a huge range of experts, who by and large spoke very well within their individual expertise. The myth of 'light' or  'fat free' foods was well and truly exploded as they went through the ingredients of some of these foods and their effects. Diet Coke in particular - you will never touch it again if you watch this... There were some fascinating stories from a few people who had lost startling amounts of weight and gone on to help others in this area. There were 2 women who were living with cancer long after they were expected to die, and whose complete change of diet, they believed, was largely responsible for their ongoing health despite their prognosis. Joe Cross popped up as well with his story! 

It could have been very formulaic; with talking heads spouting facts and theories, but the passion of all the speakers really shone through and I found it very interesting. Some of it was a bit 'Californian' for me, with a strong emphasis on loving yourself. While I may agree with the sentiment, it was a bit overdone onscreen.
However, I came away once again thinking about the importance of what we put in our bodies and with some very thought provoking statements ringing in my head. 
All the experts agreed that 'diets' as we know them, do not work and there is some crazy statistic about how many people regain all the weight they lose and more through diets that restrict access to certain foods, like the Adkins Diet. I am sure almost everyone reading this can attest to the craving for that one particular food that comes over you like a fever, when you are following a plan which includes a list of 'forbidden' foods... 

So how's this for common sense?  Instead of cutting things out, one expert suggested adding things in: healthy things. Increasing your fruit and vegetable intake and gradually crowding out the bad foods. This is in fact remarkably like what Slimming World gets you to do, which I am still following. You are meant to have 1/3 of your food be a portion of fruit or vegetables, every time you eat. It has the effect of boosting your healthy food intake, but it also automatically restricts the amount of 'bad stuff 'you eat, as you have to match it by a third each time. Gradually, your habits change, if you strictly follow this rule.

They all commented on the need to read labels. And there was huge enthusiasm for juicing, and for cleansing.  There was a strong suggestion that if you planned to change your eating habits, you should have a juice cleanse for a week or 2 and then gradually add foods back in.  It was interesting that, although weight loss was mentioned, the bigger benefits were related to health and also to beauty; nails, hair and skin will be hugely improved by this apparently.

So there we are. Should I dig out my juicer and go for it? It is tempting to try to have juice only for a couple of weeks.  By all accounts, the first few days are tough, but then you feel great and have loads of energy. I must say, I am really considering doing this, perhaps in a month or so.  

But mainly, what I am left with is a change in my thinking about food. It is so hard not to continually associate changing your eating with weight; at least it is for me as this is something that I have been engaging with for years, in particular the last 3 years. This leads to so many conflicting thoughts: 'Who am I doing this for? I should be able to eat what I want! Maybe I'll just be fat and learn to be happy with that... Why do I feel the need to conform to a societal norm or a stereotypical understanding of beauty? There is too much pressure to be thin from skinny celebs! Why should I care what others think? I wish I was thinner! My clothes don't fit... Oh crap, I have a party in 3 weeks and nothing to wear...'  Please tell me I am not alone in this spiral of useless thoughts!

But if you switch it to health as the issue, the perspective changes and the goal becomes bigger and more important. In this context, I am motivated to continue to follow the Slimming World plan, but for different reasons from now on. Yes, of course I still want to fit into that dress I looked nice in 3 summers ago...  But I also want to be healthy, energetic and here for a long time yet! And it would be interesting to investigate further how diet, not 'a diet', but diet, could perhaps improve or even shut down the colitis which I have.
The 2 films described are highly recommended. They are both on Netflix, but it may have been the American version thereof that I was watching.  Try these links for more info too: http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com and http://viooz.co/movies/4394-hungry-for-change-2012.html. If you google the film titles, you should find that you can see trailers at the very least.

Would love to know what others think of these films! Too extreme? Or perhaps Food for Thought?