The Dishwasher That Didn't Get Fixed

Our dishwasher broke in June. It didn't exactly break - it seems to work fine. It's just that it fuses everything else in the house while it's on. So, we stopped using it. We discussed replacing it or getting it fixed and meanwhile I bought a drying rack for the dishes.

Here we are 7 months later and it is still out of order. But now we are not thinking of replacing it. I actually don't mind washing up at all! It's pretty great to open the kitchen cupboards and find plates and dishes that are where they should be, ready to be used. It was kind of a novel concept for a while and now I am used to it. I don't mind the time spent washing up, it's kind of peaceful, with music on. I will also admit to a bit of Netflix with my laptop perched where I can see it, at minimum safe splash distance. 

I remember getting our very first dishwasher as a kid. It felt like the absolute height of luxury. We had the reached the pinnacle of civilisation and nothing would ever top this! Then as a young married couple we bought a half sized one with some redundancy money Andy got, after he got a new job, I hasten to add. When the boys were babies our full sized dishwasher seemed permanently full of bottles and small fiddly bowls and tiny spoons. And, of course, in true marital rows cliche, according to Andrew, I am hopeless at stacking the dishwasher. He approaches it with a Tetris mindset, whereas I just want the stuff off the kitchen counter and out of sight.

My parents used to highlight washing up in their marriage guidance teaching as a great time to chat, to sort through any disagreements or catch up on each others' days. Also a great time to talk to kids without them feeling trapped in parental spotlights, if there are any little topics that need attention. It's something that has gradually been eroded. Yet the dishwasher doesn't really give you that time back in any constructive way - it creates a new chore, but without the same opportunity for conversation. This isn't meant to be an anti-tech post - there are many labour saving devices in the home that I wouldn't be without for even a week! But the dishwasher? We decided to try and do without.


Mostly Andrew and I have been washing up since then. But this month, our calendar had a specific instruction for us - see above! Better yet, Matthew was very taken with the idea! So, I decided that the boys were old enough to help, without smashing all the crockery. I washed, Matthew dried and Adam put things away, with supervisory guidance for both boys from Andrew to avoid sharp knife or wine glass incidents.

I have memories of many such times as a child - my sister and I used to bicker about who got to put away instead of drying up, as the former seemed like the easier chore somehow. On the other hand, my husband was never asked to do anything in the home, his Mum did all of the chores. This calendar prompt seemed like a good time to start the boys off with a daily chore that is communal and makes them aware that the family team has to work together to get stuff done in the house.

As the calendar was quite strict in demanding dancing and singing, we made a play list for the event and it was great! The boys both got stuck in and it was all surprisingly quick! And it was fun. Adam's bum wiggles while at the cutlery drawer were really quite spectacular and Matthew turned out to be a dab hand with the tea towel.

Although, on reflection,  the inclusion of Jump Around in the playlist may have been a mistake. Firstly, it kind of contradicts one of the other songs, and it also may not be the best accompanying music to primary school children holding plates. But we had beginner's luck, I guess! No breakages... 

It was such a success overall, that yesterday, Adam turned to me eagerly after dinner: 'Mummy, Mummy, can we do that thing where we sing and dance and wash up and clean?' Why, yes, son, we can! What a great idea! He also earnestly suggested few new songs for the list. Meanwhile after breakfast today I started rinsing off the cereal bowls only to be reprimanded sternly that I wasn't playing the washing up music. Matthew pointed this out, while picking up the tea towel, without even being asked to! Yes, really, without being asked. Talk about a parenting win!

This may be a blip and a short term parental windfall. The hope is that the kids will get into the habit during the time they still think of this as fun. The calendar will be there for the whole month and the eldest at least will consider this a strict instruction for the whole of January. The true test will be February! Here's to dry, chapped hands and happy conversations - best trade off ever!

Hats

The main reason that I haven't blogged for over 6 months, is that I have been stretched to the max, busy busy busy. Many days I have felt like a juggler, so many balls in the air - so many things to remember to do, people to call, things to get.  It can be draining! And this busy-ness, the hamster wheel of the to do list, is the theme of this blog.

As of almost exactly a year ago, I became self-employed. In theory, I work about 15 hours a week. Some weeks that is about right, others it's definitely far too low an estimate. And for the most part, this work takes place at home. Alongside this I have the usual housewife stuff to manage: laundry, planning, buying and preparing food, cleaning etc. Then the Mum stuff is there too of course: school runs, lunch boxes, homework, playdates...  The '... ' is there because that list is kind of endless. You don't get to the end of a day and clock off being a Mum!

Multitasking becomes the norm: I send work emails and texts while standing at the school gates, or I catch up on work while I should just be relaxing and watching tv in the evening, or I supervise homework while I am cooking dinner, keeping an eye on my work Facebook account and preparing lunch boxes. 

Many parents, Mums especially, deal with this all the time, every day. Multi-tasking is said to be something females are good at, but there is research out there, which suggests that multitasking endlessly is not remotely efficient and can end up damaging your mental health and causing huge stress. One of the reasons this applies especially to Mums is that many of their tasks are related to or witnessed by others, like the housework. I can see this - if I choose not to complete a work task, I can make allowances. If I don't get the laundry done, there will eventually be naked children and a cross husband.

This isn't meant to be a list of my busy-ness and a 'woe is me' post. But increasingly, it has become clear to me that I am coping, but not thriving, with all of this. I wouldn't say my mental health is suffering, but I can see that there has to be an easier way to get everything done. The biggest pressure comes from the fear that sets in when I worry that I have forgotten something. Perhaps I seem organised as I always have a list on me, but it is constantly being added to, not in a planned way, but as things occur to me, in a mild panic. I get home from dropping the kids to school, stand in the hall and know I have about 25 things to do. How do I decide what happens first? I end up stopping and starting each task and things take longer than they need to, which only adds to the sense of rush and pressure.  It all gets done, but at what cost?

The cost is generally grumpiness and tiredness - most of which is displayed as snappy and impatient retorts to the kids. They are uncomplaining recipients of the downside of all this juggling and I can see that I am missing opportunities to just hang out with them. It's going by so fast - I now live with an 8 year old and a 6 year old - when did that happen? I want them to look back and remember me as fun and approachable, not busy and stressed.

New year, time for a change. I didn't set out to make a big New Year's resolution about this. It has just been dawning on me that I wasn't organised at all in the lead up to Christmas, and it took me about 6 weeks from the end of August to get my head around my boys' schedule once they were back at school. A chat with my Mum on Saturday set a big alarm off in my head about how I am managing and, thankfully, showed me a clear path to fixing this.

I should at this point say that my Mum is amazing! She has developed a great teaching about the busy-ness of life and how to make it all work. It's really all about hats. Yes, hats.

How many hats do you wear? I worked out that I wear 12.  I am a Mum, wife, Slimming World Consultant, friend, church member, housewife, person, daughter, sister, childminder etc, all the way to 12. Incidentally, if you have more than 12 hats, it might be time to rethink things as that's not really sustainable in terms of the burden of time and responsibility required of one person. 

The next step was a pie chart to help me work out what chunk of my time needs to go to each hat. And then I took time to plan out my week, allocating the time I need to each hat over the week. 

This might sound really over the top and silly. And as I am posting it here, it is a very diluted version of the full teaching as my Mum gives it, or even of the conversation we had. But, the main thing is that I have, genuinely, seen an immediate effect. Yesterday, I allocated from 3-5 to spend getting housey stuff ready for the whole back to school rush this morning. At 2:45 Matthew wanted some attention from me. Because I knew I had the time booked, instead of telling him I was busy and had loads to do, I said: 'We can do something together for 15 minutes, what do you want to do?' All he wanted was a chat! He showed me some of what he has made on his Christmas present - it's a kind of computer to teach kids how to do coding and programming - and chatted away. I understood about 3 out of every 10 words, but he was delighted with the attention. And, sadly, it highlighted that I have not been doing this, I have been missing opportunities to spend time with this boy, who will be a teenager before I know it and not looking for time with me in the same way.

This morning I got back from the school run and stood in the hall and had a plan ready to enact. I knew I had 2 hours to really attack the housework. I did so with purpose, gusto and loud music. What motivated me hugely is knowing that at 11, I would head out for me time - and I did. I could have done more housework, cause when is that ever actually finished? But I had planned to have time for me, the person, not the Mum, the consultant, the housewife, the anything, but just Sarah. I had a great walk, came home and had lunch, read and felt fantastic. This afternoon is Mum time and tomorrow is mostly Consultant time. And on Sunday I will need to make a new plan to be who I need to be at the right time throughout next week.

It's early days and this might not last. But so far, I am inspired! My list of jobs didn't get any smaller, but my turmoil shrank considerably and I am excited to start 2015 with a clearer sense of all my tasks and responsibilities. And I've always liked hats - maybe I could wear different one for each role? Or I might just stick with the one that my amazing friend Helen gave me. I have been told it looks a bit Downton on me. You know, maybe that's the actual solution: get servants.