“I am a ham sandwich!”
Although it’s almost 16 years ago, I remember vividly the moment that a pupil proclaimed this in his French oral exam, thinking he was ordering a ham sandwich. At the time I had to stop the tape that was recording the exam as I was laughing too much to continue. But over the past while it’s a phrase that has come to mind in a very different context.
As I am now 41, my mum is 71 and my eldest son will turn 11 this year. The past 3 years or so have seen my parents cope with a few different situations that herald a new era for them. My Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, which was initially a real shock. It has taken a long time for all of us, in our own ways, to process what this means, now and as we look ahead to the future. Alongside this, my Mum had surgery on her foot and a recovery time that followed and as I write this, she has been in hospital for the past 5 days after she experienced extreme pain and was discovered to have fractured her kneecap.
On the one hand, this has been very challenging. I work more or less full time, and, although I can to some extent shape my own schedule, there are various demands on me that I can’t just abandon. Then of course, family life continues: we have just had the usual manic Thursday night run of 2 football training sessions and beaver scouts, with meals eaten in shifts and quick clothes changes in between activities. There is a big 4th class project due next week and I have ended up knowing far more about frogs, newts and Irish pond life generally than I ever really wanted to as this is being taken as seriously as a PhD thesis by Matthew. Alongside this, Dad has of course needed extra support. He has a great routine, which supports what he needs in terms of his health and fitness post-diagnosis. But there are things he finds challenging now, and it has been a quick learning curve as I discovered how best to be there for him.
This then is the experience of being the sandwich generation. Around me, friends of a similar age are experiencing this also. I met one of them in the hospital today as I was visiting my Mum. She was there with her Dad and he hasn’t been well at all - we have also met at the football pitch and watched our 10 years olds play on opposing teams. Another close friend whose kids are in my boys’ classes has had to support her Dad through a difficult diagnosis and helped her Mum deal with the ensuing worry and concern. She and I have talked about being the filling in the sandwich - we have agreed we are lean ham!
This has left me a bit tireder than usual, yes and I have felt under some extra pressure. The to do list gets a little bit longer, the Tesco shopping list gets a bit more complicated as you buy things for your folks too and you can end up waiting around hospitals a lot, where your time really is hijacked by the system, such as it is. It has, in many ways, been harder still for my sister, who lives in Holland and is having to get all this info by phone without being able to just jump on a plane to come over, which is all she wants to do! She has her family and their daily lives and her job and can't just abandon ship and be here. It's so frustrating to have all the worry and concern but not be able to be on hand. As we wait to see what happens next, my sister hopes to come over soon to offer her support as the recuperation at home will begin. This will be brilliant as she will be able to be there 100%, whereas I sometimes feel I am dashing about a bit and perhaps not always able to really give the time needed.
What has emerged in the main is that my parents have really prepared for this and have put some amazing thought and effort into ensuring that this won’t become a painful transition, full of things we are worried about addressing and not sure how to handle.
What has emerged in the main is that my parents have really prepared for this and have put some amazing thought and effort into ensuring that this won’t become a painful transition, full of things we are worried about addressing and not sure how to handle.
Today, in her ward, a social worker came around and talked to all 5 ladies currently occupying the beds. Three of them are heading home to a house with stairs, where there is no toilet on the ground floor and no clarity on how they will be able to cope with this situation. They didn’t know how they would manage food shopping either. Plans will need to be made to ensure they have the right amount of care, but overall, they will be heading home to a situation where their new needs will only be able to be met with great difficulty and potentially at a huge financial cost and worry for their families.
After the social worker talked to my Mum, she sat back and said: ‘I’ve never met anyone like you!’ All her standard questions were met with certain responses - my parents have been putting all kinds of things in place over the past 5 or 6 years to be ready for the natural ageing process, even without extra health issues. Mam was able to reassure the social worker that she will be able to order groceries online or that I can help with that. They converted one bathroom to have a walk in shower years ago and chose their current house to be a bungalow to avoid stairs. In setting up a carers’ support group for other people whose relatives have a Parkinson’s diagnosis, Mam has tapped into all kinds of other knowledge and resources too. For example, an enduring power of attorney has been put in place. It will hopefully never be invoked, but in the event of the unexpected, it should provide much needed clarity and avoid all kinds of arguments and financial complications.
I am so grateful to my parents, as all of this gives them huge peace of mind, but in fact, is actually an amazing gift to my sister and I and gives us peace as we look ahead. It really makes me so proud that Mam and Dad have been so thoughtful and intentional with all of this. Their golden rule throughout this has been: ‘we have to be able to talk about everything.’ And they do. And then they put in place what needs to be there.
So while I may be having a bit of a sandwich experience in the past week, and this may be a bigger feature over the next years, I know that the thought my folks have put into this will make the difference. I have been able to cut back on one part of work, which has already made a significant difference, especially in the last week. And as the boys get older, things are easier there too - today they let themselves into the house and were fine for the 15 minutes it took me to get home from the hospital.
But it is the open conversation and planning that has come from my parents, that will really made the difference. That doesn’t mean things will be a breeze necessarily, of course and the next season of life will hold unexpected changes and challenges. But I want to conclude by urging you to have that conversation with your parents, if you are anywhere near my age and feeling a bit ‘sandwiched’. I know there may be some parents utterly unwilling to engage with this and feeling fearful about highlighting that the future may be difficult, and I know I am blessed with a family that has always been very open and keen to talk things through. Even with that, it is not an easy subject to broach, but it will be so much easier to talk about it now, than to deal with the complications that could ensue from not having it. Talk. Listen. Plan. Spend time. It's too important a conversation not to have.
